Off the pity pot...

Well, its time to get off this pity pot I have been on. Every once in awhile I have to allow myself a bit of time to grieve all that has been lost. Afterwards, I feel a bit silly for it. However, its how my brain works. Really, I don't regret my past. Many crappy things happen to people. I happen to be one of them. I am who I am today because of it and I really do like me. I like where I am in life. I like looking back and seeing that I didn't get lost and become a statistic. I am way more than what I was told I would ever be. That makes me proud! Its pretty cool really. I do wish at times that I didn't have to fight for every thing...big or small. It doesn't feel like anything comes easy. I would like for some things to come easy once in awhile. Anyway, back to life. Time to start enjoying it again.

Howdy!

I haven't really felt like writing much lately. Mostly, I am busy. Being a mother of older children isn't any easier than when you had total control of their lives. In some ways it is much much harder. Sitting back and watching the impulsive decisions that you know are going to turn bad is very difficult. So difficult in fact I had an argument with the youngest daughter. Regret a few things that were said but, then again I think it got my point across. Sometimes, you have to step away from trying to be reasonable and just let your fury go for anyone to really see how frustrated and pissed off you really are. Youngest was hospitalized and took a ride in a ambulance since the last time I wrote. Its funny how in the moment you are relieved to hear a diagnosis. Especially, if it is better than what you were thinking it was. As time goes by though you just get angry that its your kid. Lots of questions go through your head and never an answer to it all. School is going good. I am a good student. Its one thing I have always done really well. I just don't have the fire in me to do much more than school right now. Lots of other issues. I wont lay them all out here. I am just having some old memories come back and haunt me. Lack of sleep is draining the life out of me. Cold weather sets me off. Nightmares start taking over my nights and I feel trapped in this world that no longer exists. However, I can't seem to get away from it. I keep thinking I should go back to counseling and try to work it out but, I don't know how much more talking is going to make it go away. I don't know if I will ever be at peace with my past. Too many scars. I have also been avoiding the Dr. My last appointment they found a spot in my lung. I am suppose to have a CT scan. I am just too afraid of the "C" word. I don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do chemo. The thought makes me want to curl up and cry. I am just so very very tired.

Veto power

Sometimes I wish I could suddenly have the power to fix the stupid things people do. You can obviously see their judgment is poor and the decision they have made is going to lead to heartache and pain. Yet, you just have to sit back and be a part of the audience. My words would fall on deaf ears anyway. I know they have to learn all on their own. Just once though I would like for them to listen or have the power to veto their actions. Life is good really. I am just feeling a bit lonely with hubby working all the time.

Finally...

Things finally seem to be on the right path. The X got a job interview and hired. Which shows a lot to his children. It tells them that he is willing to do what it takes to help himself and that he is worth something. Its pretty easy to get sucked down a hole and not see a way out. I threw him the ladder and the kids were so happy he took it. I hope things start going better for him.
Youngest daughter is broken up with her X. That is a good thing. She smiles again. Unfortunately, she has a lot of work ahead of her to make her little family whole again. I hope it makes her stronger and doesn't break her.
Oldest is doing well. She is enjoying just being able to stay at home and being a mother. That is what she has wanted to do her entire life. Its nice to see that happen for her.
Oldest son has a job interview. His first and he turned 18. It is time for him to get out in the world and work. Hopefully, it will provide him some direction.
Middle son is pretty lazy these days. At least I can say there really is no major issues going on with him.
Youngest son makes me smile and laugh everyday. Life is pretty good right now. I hope it stays this way. I can use a break. It would be a great change of pace.
I have 5 classes until I finish my degree. I am so ready to be done. I am tired of accounting classes. Which could be a bad sign since that is my career choice. Really I just want to sit behind a desk and do payroll. I don't even want a job right now. I just want the choice if I need it.
Hubby is working a lot. Traveling all the time. It gets harder all the time. Little one misses him so much when he leaves. This will be my driving force to return to work. Just to give my husband a choice to stay close to home. We can live on so much less if we needed to. I can't possibly make his income but, I can provide enough to support us with what we need.

Grr...

I am just tired. Tired of feeling like I have to keep everyone together. Tired of feeling like I am the only one fighting for what is right. Tired of the people who really should be fighting are to damn lazy to give a shit.
I just want to slap some motivation into them. How hard is it to go to work? How hard is it to fight for your child? If it was me they wouldn't be able to hold me back. I would never give up, never allow my child to think I quit on them. It just pisses me off that I feel alone with that feeling. No one else seems to be driven and I am having to push them to do anything.
Which really isn't that effective. Then I just feel like I am not only failing them but, their child.
I have to let go of some of this. It is extremely hard to do but, I am powerless over the situation. I can't make them do what they need to and I don't see them doing it until they have no choice.
Really wish people fucking listened!

Drifting along...

Today I feel sad. No real good reason. Just woke up that way. I hate that because it is so hard to shake. It is days like this that I just want to sleep it away. Honestly, I have no real reason to feel so sad but, I just want to curl up and cry.
I think dreams set me off. Remind me of my childhood. Then I spend the day looking at my scars and feeling betrayed once again. Which is stupid because I was betrayed. I was violated. However, now I just keep doing it to myself. Allowing it to control my life.
I don't expect it ever to just go away. It would be nice if it didn't bring me so far down anymore.
Days like today I feel like a leaf. No real control over anything. I am just being blown every direction.

The fucked up part of this is in my mind the only way to fix this feeling is to get fucked. Reclaim my body from a stupid fucking dream.

As the world turns....

I have been very grateful that the drama with the psycho woman is gone. It has been peaceful, at least on that front, since the babies adoption.
My youngest daughter is still struggling in her relationship. And the custody issues still haven't been resolved. That is frustrating since I have done everything to help the two of them. Plus, she has a suspicious mole that needs to be looked at but, the only people who are concerned about it are me and her. I live 11 hours away and she can't drive so, getting her to the doctor is a challenge. I think I a may just send money for a taxi.
I have finally found a place for my little one to spend 4 hours a week while I go have some free time. That has been enjoyable. Shopping for clothes without a child in tow was marvelous!I actually got to try things on instead of pulling them from the rack and praying I guessed right. I actually have clothes that fit my body type.
Now, if I could just get some motivation to lose my butt. I would say weight but, really everything else isn't so out of sync. Just my ghetto booty!
I have had some scares this past few weeks. I was taken to the emergency room for chest pains. They couldn't rule out a heart attack but, said that it didn't appear that I had any damage or it was really minimal. I know that I don't ever want to experience that again. I was trying to put my toddler in the car when it hit and I just kept thinking "don't let go of him." I was so afraid of him taking off into the street. At the same time, I was so nauseated I was heaving and my chest was clamped down.
I have a stress test later this week. I am hoping it turns out okay. I did make a decision to give up the cigarettes. I really felt in that moment I was cheating my child. I was making decisions that were unhealthy and shortening my life when I made a commitment to be there for him. So, it has been 8 days since my last cigarette.
I am going to make other changes as well. Like taking some "me time." Help to alleviate some of the stresses in my life.
My back continues to be an issue. I hurt it lifting the little one out of his carseat. Looks like another epi injection this time but, surgery is in my future. I am just trying to hold it off for another year. My sister is having hers next month and I am suppose to take care of her while she heals.
I know it seems like a lot of crap but, really my life is pretty good. I am doing great in my college courses. I have really awesome kids and my youngest makes me laugh and smile everyday. I don't have to worry about income because my hubby is awesome! My father and his wife are always there for me and I have a great sister that I get to share time with. I really am blessed even in my soap opera lifestyle.

So, the twins went up for adoption. That was a great blessing because the drama is done! I don't have to deal with all the BS that came with them. If I could of just had the girls I would have kept them but, so many other people came with them. They are in a better home. In the end, I think it was right choice. Just difficult even if they weren't my grandbabies. I would like to save the world.
I have a grandson now. He is perfect. I don't like the relationship my daughter is in. Everything is still too unstable. I have done all I can to help but, nothing seems to ever really get resolved.
My Aunt went into the hospital with pneumonia. That was scary. She turned 75 in there and had a heart cath done. She has bee a mother to me for the past 28 years. It was hard to see her so sick. Luckily, she is on the mend.
I finished my first block of classes with a 4.0! I am very happy about it. I like showing my kids it can be done. Now, both my girls are attending college too! I guess it wasn't just a good decision for me.
My boys are on a lazy streak and one of them keeps stealing from me. I know which one but, he always denies it. I hope that one day he will be a man and admit to his mistakes. He will realize that you should work for things in life. I can hope this message gets through. I keep trying to teach it and so far it hasn't stuck.
My little one is a busy little boy. He ignores all of his toys for sticks, rocks, and the iPad. Not sure why I keep buying the toys. They sit in his room collecting dust. He is a beautiful child. Sensitive and funny. I love who he is today. I just want to keep him little forever. I love to just hear that little giggle for absolutely no reason. The things that tickle his funny bone reminds me that the world is a great place.
Of course, we have are Eww moments. The other day he picked up a bug and before I could grab it or finish "Yucky! Don't eat the bug!" it was in his mouth. He then looked at me and said "Mmm."
Yesterday he delivered a dead mouse to me! I tried so hard not to freak but, apparently I failed. He decided it would be funny to throw it at me. I hate mice! I screamed and he giggled. Then he took a bath which he loves. This morning he went on a mouse hunt thinking he could get another bath out of the deal. Gotta love that kid.
Life is pretty good. Most of the stress has calmed. It is nice to just be able to be mom again and not deal with other people's problems.

Overwhelmed

This past six months have just been so overwhelming. Too many things happening all at the same time. The twins arrived and my DNA test says that they don't belong to my sons. Of course, the other family wants to do their own DNA test which is fine. I am just glad that my boys aren't father's yet.
I started back to school two weeks ago. I have surprised myself so far. With a two year old at home I have managed to get A's on everything I have done so far. Yay Me!
The stress of the past six months had me ready to curl into a ball and now that things have calmed down a bit I feel like I can breath again. I am so ready to just enjoy myself for a little while.
Which means VACATION! Nothing big just a little trip to Branson. I want to zipline. I have wanted to do that for a long time and I figure this would be a great place to start. Very excited.
I talked to a friend tonight. I hate to hear her hurting. I hate that she has had to struggle so much in the past couple of years. Her husband passed unexpectedly one night and it knocked her bearings loose. I don't think she knew what to do. She was sunken in sorrow. I see life in her now. She isn't just walking around waiting for the world to suck her up anymore. She seems like she really wants more out of life again. She still has her moments though and I wish I could just grab her up and show her that she is such an amazing person. Show her happiness is there for her. I wish there was a way to heal a broken heart.
I still just want to curl up and cry. I'm not really sad just tired of it all. Tired of people intruding on my life. Tired of them to run me over. Wishing that they would just let me be. I don't go looking for them. I don't ask them to come be a part of anything. I don't create drama for them. I just let them be. Why is it so hard to that for me?
About this time I think I need meds. I start craving the feeling of numbness. A complete emotional shutdown. Wishing I could just turn everything off and sleep.

The sun will come out, I will hear the words "Momma, I love you", and the world will right itself again. It is coming...I just know it.

Why?

Why is it that children never listen? Even if they are adults why can't they see you might have it right this time? Oldest had a job went she moved back to IL. She didn't like the hours and the driving they had to do so, she went on the hunt for a new job. Once she found one I told her to hang on to the other job for awhile just in case things didn't work out. She didn't and lost her new job. Grr!
So, she went on the hunt again and is now working posting ads for some weird company in which I think is most likely a scam but, she doesn't want to hear that. I told her to do it if she wants to but, keep looking for other work. I don't think she is listening to that advice either.
Youngest daughter is still miserable and still living with her boyfriend. I think that is going to backfire on her. She isn't really allowed to make any decisions about their son including his name but, she just sits there and takes that crap. Grr!
For once I would like for them to just take the easy road. Quit making everything so damn difficult. Especially with the important stuff.

Winter blues

All this cold weather has kept me at home with the little one. I like my tiny house but, it feels tiny at this point. We haven't had to many opportunities to get out and play. It has been bitter cold.
I just feel sad and I know it will get better once I am out of the house for a few days. When we had the 60 and 70 degree days breaks, little one and I went to the park and the zoo. I am so eager for spring. So ready for 70 degrees.
I have ordered some crafts for us. Can't wait for them to get here. Even little one is bored of his toys and being in the house.
Friday we are taking off to KC for the weekend. We are going to stay at Coco Key Resort. A little play time will do us alot of good.
BUT the days are moving so slow!

Things change...

I am feeling antsy. I love being able to stay home and take care of my little one. I love him to death. He makes me smile and laugh everyday. Today he woke me up with "Morning Momma" and then pinched my nose. Couldn't help but laugh. There is still a part of me though that misses the outside world. Misses working. Not much appreciation in laundry, dishes, and cooking. It just becomes expected.
We flew youngest daughter in for a week long visit. She was getting mommy-sick. It was a nice time. I have some frustrations with her living situation right now but, it may just be that over-protective mother instinct coupled with the overly-dramatic teenager. Anyway, she is carrying her baby much like I did with the oldest. Teeny tiny little baby bump. Can't wait to meet the little guy.
It seems crazy that by the end of 2011 I could have 4 grandbabies and a two year old. I am still crossing my fingers and hoping that I only have 2 grandbabies this year.
Oldest daughter was in car accident with her boyfriend and their baby girl. Luckily, everyone came out okay but the car was totaled. Now, they have a new car and are probably in over their head. I guess though its great motivation to keep trudging along with work. I hated being 600 miles away that night. I just wanted to get in my car and go. It doesn't really work that way with a toddler in tow. Especially, one who hates being in the car for long trips.
I think I am just bored with the normal hum-drum of life. I need to find something new. Take a class or something.

Empty Nest

Okay so I don't really have an empty nest but I am the only female remaining in my home unless you count the dog. Both my girls moved back to IL. Even though I am going to miss them I think it was the right thing for them. And for me. Little one was already having some trouble watching them leave yesterday and I think it would only get harder for him. Plus he now has his room back. A place to play without being in everyone's way all the time. Poor kid.
Youngest daughter is pissed off with me because she doesn't think I care enough about her. It all started with a facebook post about the oldest leaving and the little one being sad. When she left I was still in a hospital bed doped up on morphine. Not sure what she expected. Anyway she is trying to pull the "You are a bad Mom" card on me. I'm not having it and its pissing her off.
I see there being distance between us and many years passing before she realizes how much I do love her.

Perpetual Victim

I feel like a perpetual victim sometimes. I allow myself to be. I think I just lived in that for so long it comes natural sometimes and I have to remind myself to fight against it.
Its just like when you lived in chaos and suddenly things go calm. You almost don't know how to act. You start looking for ways to create chaos because that's what you are most comfortable with. Same thing.
Onto another topic. I want sex. I want a woman. Not sure why but that seems to be what my body is craving. Its been a long time. A long time since sex and a long time since I have been with a woman. Memories and the images in my head will just have to do.
I don't really feel sexy or sexual right now. It seems like I have to force it. Which doesn't really help.
Thinking of seeing a therapist. I am pissed off all the time. Pissed off with the X because it seems like everything is always someone's elses fault. He is caught up in their bullshit and it just seems to suck him in. He has hurt his son and I think he is clueless about it. Psycho bitch and her knocked-up demon child accused him of impregnanting her and the X stood by and did nothing. Damage was done. He probably should have mentioned that his son is gay! He doesn't really classify himself as that but the only relationship he has ever had was with a boy and he's not a virgin because of that relationship. So...um he probably didn't sleep with this chick.
Or he could of asked him straight up like I did and got the answer..."NO FUCKING WAY!"
Teenagers and broken homes suck. Not sure if I would have stayed with their father that things would have been any different for them. I would have been miserable. I was already there.
I hate that I can't just fix things. I like to fix things.

Vent...Vent...Vent

I am really frustrated these days. Too much going on in my life that i have absolutely no control over and the stuff I do just seems easier to ignore. I watched crazy, sexy cancer the other day and that brought some stuff up for me. Like the promises I made to myself when I was going through chemo that I have failed to keep. Excuses I keep making so I don't have to change. It seems that gratefulness can wear off. I don't know what it will take for me to keep those promises. I have been given what I asked for and yet I take it for granted. Pretty stupid huh?
Youngest daughter has moved back to Illinois to be with the father of her baby. I hate it. I don't think it is a good situation but, I have to let her learn that. I just hope the lesson comes before the baby. It would be nice if all their issues went away but, we all know that just doesn't happen.
My middle son may be a father in April to TWINS! Of course, now the girl claims that my other son could be the father as well. Since they never slept together I don't see how but, hey why not add a bit more drama to the mix.
I wonder if this is payback for not following through on my own commitment. Or maybe I should have never came back here. I missed the people, my family and friends. Then the X had to be involved with the psycho bitch from hell and now my kids are dragged into the drama. I will be out thousands of dollars to prove if these babies are my grandkids. Then if they are I am stuck with these women for a fucking lifetime. That alone makes me want to shoot my head off.
I'm angry. Really angry.

I had a hysterectomy. My baby days are done. I don't really want anymore kids but I hate the finality of it. I hate not having the option.
The Dr. said no sex for six weeks. I haven't really wanted to in 2 years. Apparently, I just needed someone to tell me I can't do something because right now...I WANT IT!
Who knows what it will be when the Dr. gives me the go ahead. I just don't feel sexy.

I need a pick me up.

I'm out of here....

I flew to Kansas and looked at the house we are moving into. It is bigger than we expected but, still nothing like the house we have. I didn't expect it to be though. I don't really mind not having a grand house. I love this one but, it is eating me alive at this point. Holding me back from what I really want to do.
We agreed with my Dad to take it and we are having the yard refenced and a door put in to make the back part of the house the master suite (with a fireplace). It really should be a great place to live. It is a house in need of lots of love though. Lots of things for me to do. I like that kind of place. I love to put it back together and make it mine.
The teenagers are more on board now. I think they have just realized that can't stop this move from happening. I am going. This house will be gone. I am ready to do something other make a house payment each month and sit in misery. For a long time I felt all I needed was my kids and husband. After chemo I have had such a strong urge to be surrounded by family and friends. I hope I never have to repeat that again but, if I do, I don't want to do it without them. I don't want to be so isolated.
Gen is 15 weeks pregnant. Baby is due in early Oct. My first grandbaby. I am scared for them. She has all these dreams on how her life should go. So did I and none of them worked out the way I had hoped. I keep thinking maybe she will get what she wants. Then I wonder how wounded will she be if it doesn't happen that way. What if she is a single mom to this baby? What if she doesn't get to go to college? What if she is just stuck in this world? I want so much more for her and her baby then what I had to start.
I was surrounded by some really awesome people and then some that weren't so awesome. Wish I could have taken the awesome ones moved into a college apartment and we all could have went to school. We struggled for basically nothing. Just to prove our independence. When we should have struggled to fulfill our dreams. It irritates me now to look back at those days. I see so much wasted. The mother in me is so mad at those kids for not seeing what their future could be and allowing it to slip away from them.
Grr!
I want better for my kids. I want the to have some foresight that I didn't have. Silly huh? I should just accept that she will make her own way. I can only try to guide her and so far my guiding has sucked.

Moving

I am moving my family back home. I haven't told my X yet but, I'm sure he will be happy to have his kids close by or he will be extremely anxious. There will be no reason for him not to step up and be apart of their lives.
It looks like all the kids will be coming with me and so I might get to see my first grandbaby being born. YAY!
The only bad thing is there is no good way to get out for under our current mortgage and we will be downsizing our home. The housing market here has taken a big hit and we have lost approximately 70 grand in our home value from it. Then there would be all the repairs to get it ready and there is a lot because of the kids. Then you add the realtor fees for selling it and it becomes impossible to have selling it a viable option.
The house we are looking at is back in my old neighborhood. Not great quality houses but we will own it in a few years. No mortgage and disposable income! Income to go to the England, Ireland, or a nice cruise around the Caribbean.
In five years I will only have one child that I will be financially supporting so we will be able to do so much more. I'm excited and sad. I love this house, its beautiful. 2300 sq ft, cathedral ceilings, loft, and a full basement. I just hate the location and the people that children call friends.
You know the pot smokers, the dealers, the thieves, the liars that they drag through my front door and tell me that they are good people. Don't worry Mom he's my friend he wouldn't do anything to hurt us.
Not one of them could explain why then we were robbed! Or why this other guy decided to break in and snort cocaine off of one their beds! Or that a group of kids got together and stole stupid shit from around the neighborhood and thought storing it in my garage was a good idea! The list goes on and on but this place is toxic for my family. I know my kids are going to attract that kind of person if its what they are looking for but, I feel like I am trying to raise children on my own without any support and they have worn me down. I am losing my ability to fight this fight alone.
So, its time to go home. The X can help. My family will be around. I will have friends to go out and recharge with.
Goodbye house! Fuck You Oswego!

I'm going home...

I am heading back to my home state to visit quickly with family and friends. We will all gather and celebrate little one's first birthday. It's amazing that he is almost 1! I can't believe how much has changed in a year. I also got the big news that this year will bring on a lot of change as well since I will be a grandmother. I honestly can't wait to hold that precious life in my hands. I just hope the kids see this child as a complete miracle and do everything to make his/her life wonderful.
I will field question after question about this new baby on my visit. Isn't she too young? What are they going to do? I hate it when people are judgmental about someone else's life. She will probably do what I did...the best I could.
Then there will be the questions of when are you moving back? You really need to be closer. I will once again try to explain I want to be there but, I can't afford to lose money on my house. I'm not rich and have 5 kids that still need us to support them.
Even with all the judgment I am still excited to see everyone. I'm excited to celebrate the birthday of an amazing little boy.

2010

It feels just like 2009! Just a few days later. Thought about making New Year's resolutions but, really what is the point. I'm never good at keeping them. Lose weight would be on the top and well until things are worked out medical wise that is a wasted resolution. Stay off of cigarettes! Plan to and have been. Its a daily struggle but, its been awhile since I had one.
I plan to live for today. My bloodwork can back all funky. Who knows what that means. It could mean the devil has returned and I will be facing more chemo. Or it could mean nothing and this fear is for nothing. I haven't told anyone much. I know I would see the fear in my husbands face and honestly, I can't bare that right now.
I have my own fear of leaving my kids and my little one not even remembering his Mommy. Enough of that. It only makes my heart ache. Time will tell.

Tis the season to...

To What? Be joyous? Why is it only this time of year? Why can't I have my family and friends all year? Why can't I just be back in the land of Oz already?

Christmas is over. I had all of my kids + the newest boyfriend. I also had hubby's dad. He had great bonding time with littlest grandson. They all headed back today.
Hubby headed off to work for the week and I am sitting in my house with a sick baby and three teenagers. One who has taken off for the day and two I think have cabin fever but, they are too afraid of the snow to go out. Well...it is cold out!

I want the week back. I want all my family tucked safely in my house. I want to cook for them and hear "Thank You Mom, that was Awesome!" Which actually did happen...Twice! Once with Spaghetti (they love that stuff) the other was baked ziti from scratch. Yum!

My little one is pulling up on everything. Looking around at all the things that are now at his eye level. Wondering which one to touch first. He such a curious child and pays close attention to the little details of things. Today he picked hair out of my hair brush one at a time. What a strange thing to be fascinated with but he was.

I expect him to be walking soon. Sad in a way. This year has flown by. He is going to be considered a toddler soon and I want it to just slow down a bit. I love the child that is growing, learning new things, showing his independence but, I don't want my baby to grow up too fast. I want to hold him for as long as I can. I am sad that he is my last one. I also have no real desire to bare another child. 5 weeks of bedrest and 29 hours of labor is enough for me. Besides I want to just focus on him.

I haven't had a cigarette in several weeks. I think I might be getting over that hump. No real desire to start again. Except when the wind carries it in from the teenagers jackets. That gets me. I wish they could see me struggle and realize that is going to be them someday. They can't see past today though. And they will be NOTHING like me.

There is a lot of things going on. Too many to write down. This would be novel if I kept going. Most of its good though. I am coming out of my funk. Realizing I can't change how people see me, can't make them want to know me, can't change the past. I just have to accept how things are today. Its been hard. Its also been good. I am happier. Maybe I should say more content.