Life and death

I am now 12 weeks 1 day! The baby looks great! Everything showed normal growth and the heart rate was at 162.

Several things have been going on. My ex told me he tried to commit suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills. When I discussed how it would affect our children he didn't really see that. He thinks because they have a father here that they would just go on. I know that it would hurt them deeply. Plus, the fact that he lived with a friend for awhile who has four girls. One of them lost her father to suicide. I think it would be cruel for her to lose someone else that way. Then there is his neices and nephews that would have a hard time understanding why he did such a thing.

I know he is hurting. I get that and I have felt that kind of pain. I also know that he is blinded by his rage. I debated on what to do with the information and finally came to the conclusion that he either told me so, I would carry some of the burden or two he wanted help but couldn't ask for it. I called his mother and told her what was going on.

I didn't think I could live with the knowledge that he wanted to die and do nothing. I also have to act to protect my children from the kind of pain his death/suicide would inflict on them. Plus, there is a chance that he will find some peace, either with medication or just on a mental resolution. If no one steps in, he will continue to spiral into this abyss. What choice was there really?

Anyway, he did check himself into the hospital. I can only hope that he seizes the opportunity to be honest about what is causing his pain. That he will allow them to help him and when he enters back into the world he will be a happier more content man. He will see he has a future. He is worthy of love from another person and his children.

As for me, I think I am the worst person for him to talk to about this. I still feel that he hasn't let go of our past...it haunts him. Maybe that is just my ego but, that is just the sense I get when I talk to him. I love him...we had a life together and it wasn't hatred that made me leave. I was just too close to the place he is now. I chose life and I hope that he does to.