Do you ever feel like you should raise kids to certain age and then hand them off to someone with expertise in that area? I feel like when the kids were younger I was able to guide them. I could put a bandaid on the wound and kiss it better. Now, as the issues are more complex I seem to be struggling to find a bandaid large enough to cover it.
I talk to them about their father. I believe it was the right decision. He wants to live with the belief that his suicide would have little to no effect on them. I want him to hear the fear, anger and panic they feel. I want to destroy his illusion.
At the same time, I have to deal with the raw emotion of it all. I feel lucky that this opportunity still exists. He could have succeeded and then all that pain and frustration would be stuck with no one to hear them. Their cries for their father would go unanswered. Maybe they still will.
I have tried over the years to get him to reach out more to them. It fell on deaf ears. If things continue as they have in the past, I do see him losing them. They are the children and its really not their responsibility to keep this relationship alive. He has to actively participate in that. I just don't see that happening.
My oldest son is so much like him. It scares me to see where his father is now and then look at him and know he could be there one day to. His father has the power right now to teach him that he can overcome those feelings. He can control his life. What if he chooses not to? How to explain to my son that he can do what his father refused to do?
My oldest daughter holds so much anger towards her father. All the years that he didn't stay in contact. He failed to let her know how important she was. Yet, I can see the panic she feels when she thinks he may not be around to fix the relationship. He may never realize how important he really is to her.
All they really want is for him to reach out more. To do good in his life and find happiness. They want him to work to see them. Put forth the effort. But, all they hear tells them their not as important as: dragoncrest, computers, tattoos, etc. Because all these things came before them. Instead of saving money to come see them he spent his money on himself.
So, there is a part of me that hates him. For the damage he has done and refuses to fix. Refuses to take responsibility for and then attempted to bail out on them. He was just going to leave them with this anger and feeling of being not good enough for him. He would have wrote how much he loves them on paper but, they need him to say it to them. They need him to step up and be the parent, fix the relationship. Build the father/child bond. Put them first. I just don't know if that is too much to ask of him.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Stupidity
There comes a point in your life that when you look back you realize your own stupidity. That point has come for me.
In my previous pregnancies I didn't really care for myself. After the first child, the child/ren were the primary focus. During my pregnancies I didn't eat well, didn't get the rest I needed, and I didn't follow my doctor's instructions. I made excuses for all of these and now I know that I put my children at risk for so many health problems. Stupidity!
In my previous relationships I wasn't open and honest about who I was. I somehow expected them to figure me out. I never gave any of those relationships the chance they deserved including the one with the father of my four kids. I'm not taking all the blame for what was wrong in that relationship but, I do believe I own a fair share and by doing what I did I failed my children. I didn't give that relationship a fair shot and it was the one that held the most importance in their lives. Stupidity!
I am sure that in another twenty years or so I will look back and see my stupidity again. Hopefully, I will have made different mistakes and ones that don't have such an impact on others.
In my previous pregnancies I didn't really care for myself. After the first child, the child/ren were the primary focus. During my pregnancies I didn't eat well, didn't get the rest I needed, and I didn't follow my doctor's instructions. I made excuses for all of these and now I know that I put my children at risk for so many health problems. Stupidity!
In my previous relationships I wasn't open and honest about who I was. I somehow expected them to figure me out. I never gave any of those relationships the chance they deserved including the one with the father of my four kids. I'm not taking all the blame for what was wrong in that relationship but, I do believe I own a fair share and by doing what I did I failed my children. I didn't give that relationship a fair shot and it was the one that held the most importance in their lives. Stupidity!
I am sure that in another twenty years or so I will look back and see my stupidity again. Hopefully, I will have made different mistakes and ones that don't have such an impact on others.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Life and death
I am now 12 weeks 1 day! The baby looks great! Everything showed normal growth and the heart rate was at 162.
Several things have been going on. My ex told me he tried to commit suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills. When I discussed how it would affect our children he didn't really see that. He thinks because they have a father here that they would just go on. I know that it would hurt them deeply. Plus, the fact that he lived with a friend for awhile who has four girls. One of them lost her father to suicide. I think it would be cruel for her to lose someone else that way. Then there is his neices and nephews that would have a hard time understanding why he did such a thing.
I know he is hurting. I get that and I have felt that kind of pain. I also know that he is blinded by his rage. I debated on what to do with the information and finally came to the conclusion that he either told me so, I would carry some of the burden or two he wanted help but couldn't ask for it. I called his mother and told her what was going on.
I didn't think I could live with the knowledge that he wanted to die and do nothing. I also have to act to protect my children from the kind of pain his death/suicide would inflict on them. Plus, there is a chance that he will find some peace, either with medication or just on a mental resolution. If no one steps in, he will continue to spiral into this abyss. What choice was there really?
Anyway, he did check himself into the hospital. I can only hope that he seizes the opportunity to be honest about what is causing his pain. That he will allow them to help him and when he enters back into the world he will be a happier more content man. He will see he has a future. He is worthy of love from another person and his children.
As for me, I think I am the worst person for him to talk to about this. I still feel that he hasn't let go of our past...it haunts him. Maybe that is just my ego but, that is just the sense I get when I talk to him. I love him...we had a life together and it wasn't hatred that made me leave. I was just too close to the place he is now. I chose life and I hope that he does to.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Close call
We spent the night in the ER. Around 8pm Hubby states that he has a tightness in his chest and it has been going on for over a week! Last night was different because it just wouldn't go away. I couldn't just let it go and told him I wanted to go in and have it checked out. All the tests came back normal. No sign of a heart attack. I hope though that it put a little scare in him.
I told him I don't want to be a single mom. I didn't agree to get pregnant so that I could raise this baby without him. I think he gets it because with our family histories it is very possible that either one of us could have heart disease. My mother passed when she was 41 only six years from now. His mother passed when she was 53. Its a very scary thought but, I am taking steps to ensure that my heart remains healthy. I don't plan on leaving this child without a mother. I won't willingly put myself at risk for a heart attack.
Its just so frustrating that he waited as long as he did to say anything and he would have sat there all night rationalizing the pain.
I told him it was time to have a serious discussion about diet, exercise, and monitoring of his health. I don't want to become his nagging wife but, this scares me. I really don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to share pictures with my child and explain that daddy can't be here.
And if you saw my other four totally freak out last night you would understand they can't lose him either. He has been so much to this family...it would be so hard to hold our life together. Everything would change and I would be so lost.
I kept thinking...I am 11 weeks pregnant. This can't happen. But, it could and the doctor let him know it was a real possibility. He has so many risk factors!
I told him I don't want to be a single mom. I didn't agree to get pregnant so that I could raise this baby without him. I think he gets it because with our family histories it is very possible that either one of us could have heart disease. My mother passed when she was 41 only six years from now. His mother passed when she was 53. Its a very scary thought but, I am taking steps to ensure that my heart remains healthy. I don't plan on leaving this child without a mother. I won't willingly put myself at risk for a heart attack.
Its just so frustrating that he waited as long as he did to say anything and he would have sat there all night rationalizing the pain.
I told him it was time to have a serious discussion about diet, exercise, and monitoring of his health. I don't want to become his nagging wife but, this scares me. I really don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to share pictures with my child and explain that daddy can't be here.
And if you saw my other four totally freak out last night you would understand they can't lose him either. He has been so much to this family...it would be so hard to hold our life together. Everything would change and I would be so lost.
I kept thinking...I am 11 weeks pregnant. This can't happen. But, it could and the doctor let him know it was a real possibility. He has so many risk factors!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
RAWR....
Do you ever feel like you are being sucked into the mind of a teenager? I walk around the house and in my head I have this tape playing "Fuck this...Fuck that, it doesn't matter." I hear that crap from my kids all the time and I think maybe...just maybe they have successfully switched me over to their side. I am tired of the battles for them to clean up after themselves. Really what's the point. Less effort is put in when I just do it myself.
I am just so tired of the fighting and bickering that it takes to get them to do anything. I usually hear how I am the only person in the world who believes that way. I guess that makes me pretty unique and special huh?
Youngest daughter says I'm the only parent in the world who gets mad and thinks its a big deal when my child isn't where their suppose to be. I look around and see all these kids waundering the street and I think maybe she's right.
Right now money is tight. I was handed the packet for the Disney trip which is going to cost $869 plus another two for extras. First payment due on Tuesday! No time to plan out or budget for it. That always pisses me off. They just expect because we live here we must have money laying around. We actually put all of our extra money into our house and since they keep raising the taxes $6000+ a year we will never have free money.
I would ask bio dad here but, that is just a waste of time. When I asked for help with oldest hearing aid ($2000) nothing happened. We just have to tough it out and make the sacrifices. I am growing bitter that it always us that gives things up for the kids.
I know I am hormonal right now and that is contributing to these feelings but, I really want to just scream. I want to crawl in a hole and stop being the mom of teenager girls (they are the ones that clash with me.) I JUST WANT SOME PEACE.
I am just so tired of the fighting and bickering that it takes to get them to do anything. I usually hear how I am the only person in the world who believes that way. I guess that makes me pretty unique and special huh?
Youngest daughter says I'm the only parent in the world who gets mad and thinks its a big deal when my child isn't where their suppose to be. I look around and see all these kids waundering the street and I think maybe she's right.
Right now money is tight. I was handed the packet for the Disney trip which is going to cost $869 plus another two for extras. First payment due on Tuesday! No time to plan out or budget for it. That always pisses me off. They just expect because we live here we must have money laying around. We actually put all of our extra money into our house and since they keep raising the taxes $6000+ a year we will never have free money.
I would ask bio dad here but, that is just a waste of time. When I asked for help with oldest hearing aid ($2000) nothing happened. We just have to tough it out and make the sacrifices. I am growing bitter that it always us that gives things up for the kids.
I know I am hormonal right now and that is contributing to these feelings but, I really want to just scream. I want to crawl in a hole and stop being the mom of teenager girls (they are the ones that clash with me.) I JUST WANT SOME PEACE.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Life is rough these days...
The first four were just so easy. Well, until the youngest came too early. I didn't have morning sickness, no stretch marks, just pushed them out...except the last one.
Now, I am experiencing all the norms of pregnancy. I haven't reached the stretch mark stage but, morning sickness is definitely here! I have at least a four hour stretch of nausea. The good news...well sort of, I haven't vomitted. I kind of wonder if I did if I would feel better but, I'm not willing to push the issue. Somewhere around three in the afternoon it eases up. Pretty much wipes out my entire day.
I am also suffering from a daily headache. Which makes it completely impossible to function. I look at my house and I see that there is so much to be done before this baby arrives. I know I have time but, it is overwhelming and at this point I can't even put a dent in it.
Hubby is in England. Lucky man! I can't wait until I get to go. It is all business for him but, man just to look around and experience the food...I would be in heaven.
The youngest daughter has been grounded for awhile. So, she came up with a plan to go hang out after school by telling me she was going to work-out with a friend. The friend bailed so she decided to take the opportunity to go get high for the first time. I received a text saying "I'm high and I'm scared." I went and picked her up. She really didn't enjoy the experience and spent most of the time sleeping it off. I guess I couldn't ask for a better response. Its just frustrating to watch them make these kinds of mistakes.
It seems their father is somewhat out the picture again. The kids say they haven't really spoke to him. I am tired of stepping in and trying to fix things. I can only tell him so many times how important it is to be consistent and stay in contact. It angers me that he does this though. I have no doubt that he loves them but, he gets into his self loathing and figures he is doing more harm than good. I can't stop or change that and I think it is time that I just let go. I just hate for them to slip further and further apart.
Many people believe that I created this situation with him. They haven't seen the years of me paying for the kids to go visit. They don't get that I have done everything I could do to make sure they stay in contact. I spent well over $700 this summer just for the boys to be down there for two months. I don't know what more I can do. Money is getting tighter and tighter and the option to pay for everything just isn't going to be possible anymore. Hubby and I have to provide for them and the new baby. We can't continue to be the only ones dishing money out for visitations. Maybe I did create this because I have always paid for it all and he doesn't see any reason to chip in. He has allowed himself to be stuck in a rut for such a long time. Grr! Why can't he just do everything he can to show them how important they are? Why does that have to be a struggle?
I am worried that when the new baby comes they will wonder if their father ever felt that way about them. And as they see this child grow will their hatred grow because they see how he should have been all these years. Hubby loves them and has tried to do all that he could for them. They have always pushed him back hoping that their daddy would come through. I see them losing faith in him and I hate it. I want so badly for them to feel loved by all of us. I just don't think I can force it anymore.
Now, I am experiencing all the norms of pregnancy. I haven't reached the stretch mark stage but, morning sickness is definitely here! I have at least a four hour stretch of nausea. The good news...well sort of, I haven't vomitted. I kind of wonder if I did if I would feel better but, I'm not willing to push the issue. Somewhere around three in the afternoon it eases up. Pretty much wipes out my entire day.
I am also suffering from a daily headache. Which makes it completely impossible to function. I look at my house and I see that there is so much to be done before this baby arrives. I know I have time but, it is overwhelming and at this point I can't even put a dent in it.
Hubby is in England. Lucky man! I can't wait until I get to go. It is all business for him but, man just to look around and experience the food...I would be in heaven.
The youngest daughter has been grounded for awhile. So, she came up with a plan to go hang out after school by telling me she was going to work-out with a friend. The friend bailed so she decided to take the opportunity to go get high for the first time. I received a text saying "I'm high and I'm scared." I went and picked her up. She really didn't enjoy the experience and spent most of the time sleeping it off. I guess I couldn't ask for a better response. Its just frustrating to watch them make these kinds of mistakes.
It seems their father is somewhat out the picture again. The kids say they haven't really spoke to him. I am tired of stepping in and trying to fix things. I can only tell him so many times how important it is to be consistent and stay in contact. It angers me that he does this though. I have no doubt that he loves them but, he gets into his self loathing and figures he is doing more harm than good. I can't stop or change that and I think it is time that I just let go. I just hate for them to slip further and further apart.
Many people believe that I created this situation with him. They haven't seen the years of me paying for the kids to go visit. They don't get that I have done everything I could do to make sure they stay in contact. I spent well over $700 this summer just for the boys to be down there for two months. I don't know what more I can do. Money is getting tighter and tighter and the option to pay for everything just isn't going to be possible anymore. Hubby and I have to provide for them and the new baby. We can't continue to be the only ones dishing money out for visitations. Maybe I did create this because I have always paid for it all and he doesn't see any reason to chip in. He has allowed himself to be stuck in a rut for such a long time. Grr! Why can't he just do everything he can to show them how important they are? Why does that have to be a struggle?
I am worried that when the new baby comes they will wonder if their father ever felt that way about them. And as they see this child grow will their hatred grow because they see how he should have been all these years. Hubby loves them and has tried to do all that he could for them. They have always pushed him back hoping that their daddy would come through. I see them losing faith in him and I hate it. I want so badly for them to feel loved by all of us. I just don't think I can force it anymore.
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