Baby Baer

Little Baby Baer is growing like a weed. He is measuring bigger than average at each ultrasound but, still on the normal side. He is now 9-10 inches long and abt. 10 oz.
He may be my biggest baby!

Which actually scares me a bit. I had a hard time pushing out the oldest boy because of his big head and the youngest girl...not sure why. She was my largest at 6lbs. Since this will be a VBAC I am a little afraid of a larger baby.

He is kicking me on a regular basis. Today is must have been the game for the day...that and jumping on my bladder. Its quite funny actually. I am only 19 weeks and this kid can get me to run to the bathroom already. This afternoon he spent doing somersaults.

I am working on a baby afghan for him and also painting little sailboat hooks for his jackets. I think the nursery is slowly coming together. I am glad I have approx. another 20 weeks to get it done because I'm just not moving very fast.

I almost have his playroom cleared out but, I still have to decide whether to paint or what color.

I am looking forward to the time I will get to spend with him. With the other kids being so much older and not needing so much of my time...I will actually get to sit a play with him. I will be able to sit a read twenty books in a row if that's what holds his interest. I will get to play blocks, shake rattles, tickle his toes, and cuddle him to sleep. I feel like I missed alot of that with the other four. There was just so much demand for my attention and time. I didn't have alot to give.

The kids are getting excited. I think the believe that I will forget about them to some degree and they will be allowed to run amuck! Hah, won't they be surprised. I don't plan on any of my kids running anywhere.

Woohoo!

Negative!

***does happy dance***

Ugh!

Youngest daughter is late! By about a week. She asked me tonight to run out and buy a PG test, which I refused to do. I will pick it up in the morning though. I can't even imagine what will happen if this teeny tiney girl is. She is barely 5 feet tall and 90lbs. It just doesn't seem feasible for her to have a child.

God, I hope that test is negative but, my gut says prepare for the worst. I will love whatever child is brought into my home. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a mother that thinks its the end of the world when a new life may be coming even if the circumstances aren't perfect. But, it scares me to think of her having a child at this age and with her size.

I just wish they would think things through a bit more. Of course, this has alot to do with her age...they don't think at all sometimes. Like her mother at that age!

The Wee Ones!

This is my wee one. Not even born and I am in love with this child. Probably more so because my other four our getting older. Not needing me so much anymore. Or they need me ways that is more complicated and harder to deal with.

My youngest daughter is now 16! Crazy how time just gets away from you. My father use to look at me and say "I still see a little girl" when I was growing up. I couldn't understand why he didn't see the woman I was becoming. I felt like he lived in denial. Now, I look at her and see a little girl.

She thinks she is ready to take on the world. Making choices that will effect her forever. We discussed unprotected sex today because this is something she has decided to do. Even though she says she never wants children. Its this kind of logic that makes me see that small child.

We had a good discussion about depression. She thought that when someone was depressed they obviously needed to be sad. In reality depression is a more complicated than that. If it was just sadness we would all be able to diagnose ourselves.

There are times in which you simply don't make good decisions because you don't care the outcome. Not really feeling sad...feeling pretty much nothing. It wasn't a hard concept for her to understand because I think she has been battling this monster for awhile now.

We also discussed the ramifications of her getting pregnant. She had that typical teenager attitude that it was her body and it would just affect her. So, instead of reminding her that a new baby would affect everyone...I focused on how it would affect her and her child.

She is a teeny tiny girl. The chances of her carrying a baby full-term right now are pretty slim. She is underweight...due to genetics but, it still poses a threat to a child. She wouldn't be able to give birth vaginally either. Surgery scares her. The potential risks to herself and the child she would be carrying could be long lasting and I don't think that is something she had really considered.

I wish their issues were as simple as lack of sleep, hunger, or needing a little cuddle time. It is hard when you can't simply fix it for them anymore.

A little Tumble...

The dog and I tried to get out of each other's way but, managed to choose the same spot to move to. So, I fell to the floor. Luckily, I didn't go all the way down on my belly and no real harm was done. No spotting, no pain, nothing that significant. A twisted ankle that is a little sore.

Anyway, I was suppose to do a 3D/4D ultrasound next week but, moved it to tomorrow. Just a peace of mind thing. I want to see the little one wiggle around. I also want to know boy or girl? So, tomorrow is the big day.

Sleep Deprivation contributes to RAGE....

Each night I spend the majority going back and forth to the bathroom. I don't settle down easily either. So, every hour and a half I go pee then spend the next 20-30 minutes trying to return to that sweet slumber. By 5:30 am, my bladder is finally empty. Giving me from 5:30 til 9 am to get some much needed uninterrupted sleep.

Monday I was woken up by the girls screaming over clothes. At the ages of 17 and nearly 16 they somehow can't figure out that they shouldn't wear each others clothes. It creates chaos but, no they have reached that level of maturity yet. Instead, it is still "mine, mine, mine!" and "I want what I want."

Tuesday, I was woken up with youngest daughter unable to find shoes. She threw the bigggest fit because she lost her own shoes. Grr!

Wednesday, I spent the from 12 am to 3 am in the emergency room with the oldest. Who had a Pylo infection and was in alot of pain. They gave her morphine and IV antibiotics. We went home in hopes of sleep before I had to get up and get her meds from the pharmacy. At 6 am, the youngest daughter starts texting me how she is too sick to go to school. This is a game she plays once or twice a month. So, I had to force her off to school.

Today, I am once again woken about the shoe issue and then I had to make sure the youngest brushed out his hair. It just seems they are insistent on waking me. I feel asleep at 10 for a much needed nap. When the oldest decides to wake me to see if she can make pudding!

I am so tired I feel physically ill. I am on the verge of tears constantly and all I want to do is sleep but, can't. Every little thing is setting me off. I'm not a pleasant person to be around.

A journey of shots...

This is all the shots that I recorded. Not all the shots I took. But, in the end I got my BFP! Which makes all this worth it.

Bigger Bandaid Please

Do you ever feel like you should raise kids to certain age and then hand them off to someone with expertise in that area? I feel like when the kids were younger I was able to guide them. I could put a bandaid on the wound and kiss it better. Now, as the issues are more complex I seem to be struggling to find a bandaid large enough to cover it.
I talk to them about their father. I believe it was the right decision. He wants to live with the belief that his suicide would have little to no effect on them. I want him to hear the fear, anger and panic they feel. I want to destroy his illusion.
At the same time, I have to deal with the raw emotion of it all. I feel lucky that this opportunity still exists. He could have succeeded and then all that pain and frustration would be stuck with no one to hear them. Their cries for their father would go unanswered. Maybe they still will.
I have tried over the years to get him to reach out more to them. It fell on deaf ears. If things continue as they have in the past, I do see him losing them. They are the children and its really not their responsibility to keep this relationship alive. He has to actively participate in that. I just don't see that happening.
My oldest son is so much like him. It scares me to see where his father is now and then look at him and know he could be there one day to. His father has the power right now to teach him that he can overcome those feelings. He can control his life. What if he chooses not to? How to explain to my son that he can do what his father refused to do?
My oldest daughter holds so much anger towards her father. All the years that he didn't stay in contact. He failed to let her know how important she was. Yet, I can see the panic she feels when she thinks he may not be around to fix the relationship. He may never realize how important he really is to her.
All they really want is for him to reach out more. To do good in his life and find happiness. They want him to work to see them. Put forth the effort. But, all they hear tells them their not as important as: dragoncrest, computers, tattoos, etc. Because all these things came before them. Instead of saving money to come see them he spent his money on himself.

So, there is a part of me that hates him. For the damage he has done and refuses to fix. Refuses to take responsibility for and then attempted to bail out on them. He was just going to leave them with this anger and feeling of being not good enough for him. He would have wrote how much he loves them on paper but, they need him to say it to them. They need him to step up and be the parent, fix the relationship. Build the father/child bond. Put them first. I just don't know if that is too much to ask of him.

Stupidity

There comes a point in your life that when you look back you realize your own stupidity. That point has come for me.
In my previous pregnancies I didn't really care for myself. After the first child, the child/ren were the primary focus. During my pregnancies I didn't eat well, didn't get the rest I needed, and I didn't follow my doctor's instructions. I made excuses for all of these and now I know that I put my children at risk for so many health problems. Stupidity!
In my previous relationships I wasn't open and honest about who I was. I somehow expected them to figure me out. I never gave any of those relationships the chance they deserved including the one with the father of my four kids. I'm not taking all the blame for what was wrong in that relationship but, I do believe I own a fair share and by doing what I did I failed my children. I didn't give that relationship a fair shot and it was the one that held the most importance in their lives. Stupidity!
I am sure that in another twenty years or so I will look back and see my stupidity again. Hopefully, I will have made different mistakes and ones that don't have such an impact on others.

Life and death

I am now 12 weeks 1 day! The baby looks great! Everything showed normal growth and the heart rate was at 162.

Several things have been going on. My ex told me he tried to commit suicide by swallowing a bunch of pills. When I discussed how it would affect our children he didn't really see that. He thinks because they have a father here that they would just go on. I know that it would hurt them deeply. Plus, the fact that he lived with a friend for awhile who has four girls. One of them lost her father to suicide. I think it would be cruel for her to lose someone else that way. Then there is his neices and nephews that would have a hard time understanding why he did such a thing.

I know he is hurting. I get that and I have felt that kind of pain. I also know that he is blinded by his rage. I debated on what to do with the information and finally came to the conclusion that he either told me so, I would carry some of the burden or two he wanted help but couldn't ask for it. I called his mother and told her what was going on.

I didn't think I could live with the knowledge that he wanted to die and do nothing. I also have to act to protect my children from the kind of pain his death/suicide would inflict on them. Plus, there is a chance that he will find some peace, either with medication or just on a mental resolution. If no one steps in, he will continue to spiral into this abyss. What choice was there really?

Anyway, he did check himself into the hospital. I can only hope that he seizes the opportunity to be honest about what is causing his pain. That he will allow them to help him and when he enters back into the world he will be a happier more content man. He will see he has a future. He is worthy of love from another person and his children.

As for me, I think I am the worst person for him to talk to about this. I still feel that he hasn't let go of our past...it haunts him. Maybe that is just my ego but, that is just the sense I get when I talk to him. I love him...we had a life together and it wasn't hatred that made me leave. I was just too close to the place he is now. I chose life and I hope that he does to.

Close call

We spent the night in the ER. Around 8pm Hubby states that he has a tightness in his chest and it has been going on for over a week! Last night was different because it just wouldn't go away. I couldn't just let it go and told him I wanted to go in and have it checked out. All the tests came back normal. No sign of a heart attack. I hope though that it put a little scare in him.

I told him I don't want to be a single mom. I didn't agree to get pregnant so that I could raise this baby without him. I think he gets it because with our family histories it is very possible that either one of us could have heart disease. My mother passed when she was 41 only six years from now. His mother passed when she was 53. Its a very scary thought but, I am taking steps to ensure that my heart remains healthy. I don't plan on leaving this child without a mother. I won't willingly put myself at risk for a heart attack.

Its just so frustrating that he waited as long as he did to say anything and he would have sat there all night rationalizing the pain.

I told him it was time to have a serious discussion about diet, exercise, and monitoring of his health. I don't want to become his nagging wife but, this scares me. I really don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to share pictures with my child and explain that daddy can't be here.

And if you saw my other four totally freak out last night you would understand they can't lose him either. He has been so much to this family...it would be so hard to hold our life together. Everything would change and I would be so lost.

I kept thinking...I am 11 weeks pregnant. This can't happen. But, it could and the doctor let him know it was a real possibility. He has so many risk factors!

RAWR....

Do you ever feel like you are being sucked into the mind of a teenager? I walk around the house and in my head I have this tape playing "Fuck this...Fuck that, it doesn't matter." I hear that crap from my kids all the time and I think maybe...just maybe they have successfully switched me over to their side. I am tired of the battles for them to clean up after themselves. Really what's the point. Less effort is put in when I just do it myself.
I am just so tired of the fighting and bickering that it takes to get them to do anything. I usually hear how I am the only person in the world who believes that way. I guess that makes me pretty unique and special huh?
Youngest daughter says I'm the only parent in the world who gets mad and thinks its a big deal when my child isn't where their suppose to be. I look around and see all these kids waundering the street and I think maybe she's right.

Right now money is tight. I was handed the packet for the Disney trip which is going to cost $869 plus another two for extras. First payment due on Tuesday! No time to plan out or budget for it. That always pisses me off. They just expect because we live here we must have money laying around. We actually put all of our extra money into our house and since they keep raising the taxes $6000+ a year we will never have free money.
I would ask bio dad here but, that is just a waste of time. When I asked for help with oldest hearing aid ($2000) nothing happened. We just have to tough it out and make the sacrifices. I am growing bitter that it always us that gives things up for the kids.

I know I am hormonal right now and that is contributing to these feelings but, I really want to just scream. I want to crawl in a hole and stop being the mom of teenager girls (they are the ones that clash with me.) I JUST WANT SOME PEACE.

Life is rough these days...

The first four were just so easy. Well, until the youngest came too early. I didn't have morning sickness, no stretch marks, just pushed them out...except the last one.
Now, I am experiencing all the norms of pregnancy. I haven't reached the stretch mark stage but, morning sickness is definitely here! I have at least a four hour stretch of nausea. The good news...well sort of, I haven't vomitted. I kind of wonder if I did if I would feel better but, I'm not willing to push the issue. Somewhere around three in the afternoon it eases up. Pretty much wipes out my entire day.

I am also suffering from a daily headache. Which makes it completely impossible to function. I look at my house and I see that there is so much to be done before this baby arrives. I know I have time but, it is overwhelming and at this point I can't even put a dent in it.

Hubby is in England. Lucky man! I can't wait until I get to go. It is all business for him but, man just to look around and experience the food...I would be in heaven.

The youngest daughter has been grounded for awhile. So, she came up with a plan to go hang out after school by telling me she was going to work-out with a friend. The friend bailed so she decided to take the opportunity to go get high for the first time. I received a text saying "I'm high and I'm scared." I went and picked her up. She really didn't enjoy the experience and spent most of the time sleeping it off. I guess I couldn't ask for a better response. Its just frustrating to watch them make these kinds of mistakes.

It seems their father is somewhat out the picture again. The kids say they haven't really spoke to him. I am tired of stepping in and trying to fix things. I can only tell him so many times how important it is to be consistent and stay in contact. It angers me that he does this though. I have no doubt that he loves them but, he gets into his self loathing and figures he is doing more harm than good. I can't stop or change that and I think it is time that I just let go. I just hate for them to slip further and further apart.

Many people believe that I created this situation with him. They haven't seen the years of me paying for the kids to go visit. They don't get that I have done everything I could do to make sure they stay in contact. I spent well over $700 this summer just for the boys to be down there for two months. I don't know what more I can do. Money is getting tighter and tighter and the option to pay for everything just isn't going to be possible anymore. Hubby and I have to provide for them and the new baby. We can't continue to be the only ones dishing money out for visitations. Maybe I did create this because I have always paid for it all and he doesn't see any reason to chip in. He has allowed himself to be stuck in a rut for such a long time. Grr! Why can't he just do everything he can to show them how important they are? Why does that have to be a struggle?

I am worried that when the new baby comes they will wonder if their father ever felt that way about them. And as they see this child grow will their hatred grow because they see how he should have been all these years. Hubby loves them and has tried to do all that he could for them. They have always pushed him back hoping that their daddy would come through. I see them losing faith in him and I hate it. I want so badly for them to feel loved by all of us. I just don't think I can force it anymore.

Fear run rampant...

I went to my OB Appt. on Friday. Considering that most of my children were born before that 38th week, it is considered a premature birth. One came at 38 weeks and to be honest I don't know how that happened. Anyway, they suggested that I go see a doc that specializes in Foetal Medicine. I will be calling them tomorrow.
Several things were discussed during my OB appt. One being putting in a cervical cerclage. That one scares me because it is a bit invasive and the risks are high if it fails. It could set me into labor and cause a miscarriage.
There is another option that I am more open to...weekly injections of 17P Alpha Hydoxyprogesterone. Another shot at this point doesn't seem like that big of deal. I have been injecting myself since July 9th with one drug or another.

The fear of something going wrong is always on my mind. I can't just let go of it. As much as I want to just trust my body to do the right thing...I can't. It has let me down way to often in the past ten years.
I keep thinking of all the things I did in the first four that could have created the early births but, honestly I did try to take care of myself other than the smoking. There was one incident in my first pregnancy that I completely regret now but, I don't think that it contributed to her being born at 36 weeks. I think she came early because of my size and age.
I just don't see a way to make the fear subside. It has taken over. I know that once I feel the baby move around I will feel a little more relieved and when I pass the 24 week mark things will be even better. I just wish it would go faster.

Hubby is also considering some major changes and I think that is adding to my fear. He isn't sure that traveling all the time is what he wants to do anymore. I can't really blame him. He has spent so much of the last four years on the road and missed so many family events. I don't think I want him to miss out on this child growing up. I know that this was the sacrifice he made so that he could support all of us and I am grateful that I have someone that is willing to give so much of himself for the five of us at home. I want him to have options. I don't want him to feel stuck and I think he does.
I told him we should discuss it after the baby is born. We can't really do something that will take away our health coverage at this point. What if the baby needs surgery or is born early? He understands...I think he just wishes that we had more of a back up then what we do.

Overwhelmed...

I think this is my third blog on here...or fourth. I deleted all the others. Had some major issues with them.
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days. In the next seven months I have:
Four birthdays
A trip back to Kansas (which includes boarding two dogs)
My youngest daughter is going to Walt Disney world for Spring Break with her Choir group.
Christmas
And a new baby.

Even when money is good it doesn't seem like I have enough to cover all the things I need to. Things just seem to occur all at once or over a short span of time.
I'm not really allowed to go out and get a job and no one in their right mind would hire me. I am unpredictable or my children are.
Every job that I have had in the past two years I have gotten crazy calls because my children misbehave at school. I have even received calls from the police that my children were on the roof.
So, I am looking at ways that I can make money from home. I won't be finished with school until August. That doesn't really help the situation now.
The wheels are turning though. I will come up with something.