Tis the season to...

To What? Be joyous? Why is it only this time of year? Why can't I have my family and friends all year? Why can't I just be back in the land of Oz already?

Christmas is over. I had all of my kids + the newest boyfriend. I also had hubby's dad. He had great bonding time with littlest grandson. They all headed back today.
Hubby headed off to work for the week and I am sitting in my house with a sick baby and three teenagers. One who has taken off for the day and two I think have cabin fever but, they are too afraid of the snow to go out. Well...it is cold out!

I want the week back. I want all my family tucked safely in my house. I want to cook for them and hear "Thank You Mom, that was Awesome!" Which actually did happen...Twice! Once with Spaghetti (they love that stuff) the other was baked ziti from scratch. Yum!

My little one is pulling up on everything. Looking around at all the things that are now at his eye level. Wondering which one to touch first. He such a curious child and pays close attention to the little details of things. Today he picked hair out of my hair brush one at a time. What a strange thing to be fascinated with but he was.

I expect him to be walking soon. Sad in a way. This year has flown by. He is going to be considered a toddler soon and I want it to just slow down a bit. I love the child that is growing, learning new things, showing his independence but, I don't want my baby to grow up too fast. I want to hold him for as long as I can. I am sad that he is my last one. I also have no real desire to bare another child. 5 weeks of bedrest and 29 hours of labor is enough for me. Besides I want to just focus on him.

I haven't had a cigarette in several weeks. I think I might be getting over that hump. No real desire to start again. Except when the wind carries it in from the teenagers jackets. That gets me. I wish they could see me struggle and realize that is going to be them someday. They can't see past today though. And they will be NOTHING like me.

There is a lot of things going on. Too many to write down. This would be novel if I kept going. Most of its good though. I am coming out of my funk. Realizing I can't change how people see me, can't make them want to know me, can't change the past. I just have to accept how things are today. Its been hard. Its also been good. I am happier. Maybe I should say more content.

I am not immune...

Have you ever woke up one day and realized that things have changed? Your reality has changed. All the things you thought couldn't happen to you...has. For some reason you thought you were immune. Your relationship was perfect. You had all the things you ever dreamed of having. You are healthy. You are who you want to be. Then you wake up and realize none of these things feel right at the moment. The whole world is shaking beneath you...ready to crumble.
I know that this is all in my head. My life is what I thought it was. I love my husband. He is the same man I have loved for 12 years now. I do have all that I dreamed of and then some. No, my relationship and life aren't perfect but, is that even a realistic goal.
For some reason I am restless. Feeling rebellious. Feeling destructive. Maybe I want that freedom of teenage life I gave up so easily to become a parent. Maybe I just need some time for solitude. I don't know. It can't be mid-life crisis. I'm only 36 and I plan to live to 100 so, that can't hit for another 14 years!
I am longing for things that would destroy the life I have. Things I know aren't healthy for me. I feel destructive to my own well-being and happiness. Which can only mean one thing...DEPRESSION. I haven't really struggled with it for quite some time now. Its kind of a surprise for it to rear its ugly head.
Went to the doctor to get the happy pills. Hoping they will help, they never take it away completely. Just time and me realizing this isn't reality. Its that tape running through my head. The one that repeats "You are worthless, unloved, and a toy."
I am not immune to depression. I am not immune to emotions taking control of my day to day life. Sometimes, I am a mess. Sometimes, I just cry. Sometimes, I want to crawl in a hole and watch the world go by. Sometimes, I feel too tired to fight. Sometimes, I want to wallow in self-pity.
And sometimes, I get sick of feeling this way and just want to get on with life.

I want to smile again. I want the sun to hit my skin and for me to feel alive again. I want sex again. I want to want sex again.
Happy pills please kick in!

You would think...

You would think after a day of cooking, cleaning, laundry, playing with the Little one, bathing him, changing him, feeding him, etc. I would be exhausted. Well, I was! Little one went down in his pack n play (I was tempted to put him in his crib he was sleeping so well) and I laid down on my bed waiting for blissful sleep.
Waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Cat nap and the baby goes off for his 4 am bottle. Put him back down and think "I am so tired. Surely, I will sleep now." A few hours at that point would do me good.

Waiting...

Waiting...

Cat nap and the alarm to my phone goes off. Its 6:15am and time to make sure the kids are up for school. Lay back down. Close my eyes and I am apparently capable of staying awake after staring at the blackness of my eyelids for an hour. 7:30am guess who is up for the day.

I looked in the mirror this morning and for the first time I can remember there was giant bags under my eyes. I know they have been there before but, I probably just didn't notice. Horrible looking! But, at least it described my night quite well. Hubby didn't make any comment about how chipper I seemed. He just saw those bags and gave me a hug.

He slept like a baby. A really loud, snoring baby! At some point I am just going to pass out. Hoping I can synchronize it with the little ones nap.

Wish I could...

Just check out of motherhood for a little while. My oldest son is facing theft charges from this summer. We were served yesterday with the papers. His adjudication hearing is on the 25th. Which we are hoping to move but, I don't really know if that is going to happen. I am suppose to be in Kansas that day. Its extremely frustrating.
He knows what he did was wrong. He admitted everything to the officer who questioned him. He wasn't the only one involved it was a group of them and they were basically doing it for the adrenaline rush. The mere fact that they could. Not very many of them are facing charges. It was a large group of kids and only 3 of them have been charged.
The adjudication hearing is asking for the removal of the oldest boy to state custody. They could win considering he has been in trouble before. I may have to walk out of the courthouse alone. I will crumble into a ball of weeping mess. I can't stand the thought of it.
The other thing is I have to ask for a public defender. I have no money to hire an attorney right now. None. This is when I feel angry and bitter towards the ex for not being able to help out. Right now, he needs financial help but, there is no one except me and hubby to give it. It pisses me off.
Part of me just wants to walk away from the whole thing. Just throw my hands up and say I am done. Hand off the kids to the X and hope for the best. Its not realistic though. Even if I wanted to he couldn't take them. I couldn't really leave them. It would destroy me to know they weren't getting the care I would give them.
I am just tired. Frustrated that they continue to put me in this position. Fighting to keep my family together. Fighting for some normalcy.

One thing...

Have you ever thought what your life would be like if you could change one thing or one moment?
When I was pregnant with the oldest, before me and the X got back together, I could have changed my entire life with one decision.
I could have never told him about her. Or...
I could have stayed with the girl who had my heart. Or...
I could have given the baby up for adoption. Or...

The list really goes on and on. But, I wonder would I have been better off? Would I be a little less stressed out? I love my kids but, it is hard. It just never seems to get any easier. I want a break from all the nagging, bickering, lying, stealing, drugs, etc that they seem to get caught up in.

The girl that stole my heart. Really the woman who stole my heart. I was 17 she was 23. Man, I loved her. She was petite like me. Long Brown hair. Beautiful Blue eyes. A contagious laugh. And all she had to do was brush my hair off my neck and I was on fire.
Every moment with her was electric. And then I made this decision that changed everything. I decided it was wrong of me to deny my child her father. I walked away from her into this pit of people claiming I had slept with all these people. Apparently, I didn't know who the father of my child was.
Its funny how people think they know you and make up lies to fill in the gaps of your life they are missing. I was sleeping with someone but, trust me she didn't get me pregnant. I went from this relationship that was accepting, loving, built on trust to this relationship were there was all this uncertainity. An obligation.

I don't know that things would have turned out different. I have a tendency to burn out on people. I simply get sick of them and want something different. I might have thrown her away as well and our friendship would have died. I need her friendship. I am lacking in those. I don't make friends easily. Don't really like people very much.

Things learned in school...

Alex jipped 2nd and 3rd block today. He was mad because I grounded him to the house today. He started complaining about how he was never going to use anything that he learned there anyway except drivers ed and he can't even take that until next year. School is useless according to him.
I almost popped off and said "I learned to tie a cherry stem with my tongue in high school and I've used that several times since then." Then I would have to explain myself and that wouldn't be good.
I went with the responsible mother talk about how you will use math and english. History is important so, we don't repeat ourselves (which we do all the time anyway).
Then I got to thinking about the other stuff I learned in school. Like how to pick a lock, how much pot you could smoke before it becomes worthless, how much liquor I could consume before I got a hangover,etc. None of those would have been appropriate to share at that moment either.
I wish I could make them all see that education is important. That it is a stepping stone to a better life. They don't see it that way. That haven't had it hard. They are spoiled and use to getting what they want. I could show them the hard road. Send them to live with their father (well, if he had a place to keep them.)
Speaking of, I am pissed off that he doesn't. I am sick of fighting these battles and I can't just send them to him for a bit. I can't even send them down for a few weeks without having to foot the bill. And I mean the expense of getting them there and feeding them when they are there, and bringing them back. I just wish things could have been different and he would get himself together so, he could be more active in their lives. I could use a break once in awhile.
Hell, I could use a 4 year break. I don't think I would even mind paying the child support if I just knew I wouldn't get a phone call telling me they needed more money or they would starve. I am tired of the teenage battles. I am tired of being the mean one. I want to be the cool parent that gets to let them stay up late, eat junk food, take them for holidays. It would be so much easier being there if I could stay out of the daily drama.
Dreams. They are nice to have aren't they.

The lack of...

I have so much in my life it seems a bit ridiculous to complain about the things that I am lacking. But, they are major.
I have exactly two friends here both of which have two children(teenagers) and both have attempted suicide this year. It really puts a wall up between me and them because I don't believe they have the right to take their life. They have children and what they do impacts them. So, I don't really want to talk to them. Which leaves me with NO friends here.
My husband travels all the time. There are times in which I love it but, when you are lacking adult interaction it becomes a source of frustration. It just adds to my loneliness. When he is home we don't get much time together because little one is always with one of us. I have been trying to find ways in which we could be baby free for an hour or two but, neither of us are willing to hire a babysitter.
Little one also won't sleep in his bassinet, pack n play, crib or anywhere that mommy can't lay with him. So, he sleeps curled into me each night. Sex is impossible at this point and has been since we started trying to conceive the little man. In the past 15 months we have had sex exactly 3 times. One we were too nervous to actually get into and another that we were trying not to wake the baby.
I just feel like I am lacking in human contact. I can hold the baby all day and make sure he gets what he needs and yes that is human contact. But, what about someone caring about my needs or just having a simple conversation that doesn't require me getting onto someone.
I don't get depressed very often anymore. I have found ways to pull myself out of it. It really just eats your life away and doesn't do anything to benefit you. Right now, I don't feel depressed but it has been a battle to stay out of that zone. Now, winter is coming and I am going to be cooped up in the house I fear that I won't be able to keep it at bay.
We are planning to move back to Ks or Tx in a year or two. In Tx I don't have anyone to really be around so, I will be stuck in the same place. But, this would work better for hubby. Kansas on the other hand offers so much more for me. Family. Friends. A life outside of my house. Real adult interactions. Trusted babysitters.

I want to go home!