I am not immune...

Have you ever woke up one day and realized that things have changed? Your reality has changed. All the things you thought couldn't happen to you...has. For some reason you thought you were immune. Your relationship was perfect. You had all the things you ever dreamed of having. You are healthy. You are who you want to be. Then you wake up and realize none of these things feel right at the moment. The whole world is shaking beneath you...ready to crumble.
I know that this is all in my head. My life is what I thought it was. I love my husband. He is the same man I have loved for 12 years now. I do have all that I dreamed of and then some. No, my relationship and life aren't perfect but, is that even a realistic goal.
For some reason I am restless. Feeling rebellious. Feeling destructive. Maybe I want that freedom of teenage life I gave up so easily to become a parent. Maybe I just need some time for solitude. I don't know. It can't be mid-life crisis. I'm only 36 and I plan to live to 100 so, that can't hit for another 14 years!
I am longing for things that would destroy the life I have. Things I know aren't healthy for me. I feel destructive to my own well-being and happiness. Which can only mean one thing...DEPRESSION. I haven't really struggled with it for quite some time now. Its kind of a surprise for it to rear its ugly head.
Went to the doctor to get the happy pills. Hoping they will help, they never take it away completely. Just time and me realizing this isn't reality. Its that tape running through my head. The one that repeats "You are worthless, unloved, and a toy."
I am not immune to depression. I am not immune to emotions taking control of my day to day life. Sometimes, I am a mess. Sometimes, I just cry. Sometimes, I want to crawl in a hole and watch the world go by. Sometimes, I feel too tired to fight. Sometimes, I want to wallow in self-pity.
And sometimes, I get sick of feeling this way and just want to get on with life.

I want to smile again. I want the sun to hit my skin and for me to feel alive again. I want sex again. I want to want sex again.
Happy pills please kick in!