Drifting along...

Today I feel sad. No real good reason. Just woke up that way. I hate that because it is so hard to shake. It is days like this that I just want to sleep it away. Honestly, I have no real reason to feel so sad but, I just want to curl up and cry.
I think dreams set me off. Remind me of my childhood. Then I spend the day looking at my scars and feeling betrayed once again. Which is stupid because I was betrayed. I was violated. However, now I just keep doing it to myself. Allowing it to control my life.
I don't expect it ever to just go away. It would be nice if it didn't bring me so far down anymore.
Days like today I feel like a leaf. No real control over anything. I am just being blown every direction.

The fucked up part of this is in my mind the only way to fix this feeling is to get fucked. Reclaim my body from a stupid fucking dream.

As the world turns....

I have been very grateful that the drama with the psycho woman is gone. It has been peaceful, at least on that front, since the babies adoption.
My youngest daughter is still struggling in her relationship. And the custody issues still haven't been resolved. That is frustrating since I have done everything to help the two of them. Plus, she has a suspicious mole that needs to be looked at but, the only people who are concerned about it are me and her. I live 11 hours away and she can't drive so, getting her to the doctor is a challenge. I think I a may just send money for a taxi.
I have finally found a place for my little one to spend 4 hours a week while I go have some free time. That has been enjoyable. Shopping for clothes without a child in tow was marvelous!I actually got to try things on instead of pulling them from the rack and praying I guessed right. I actually have clothes that fit my body type.
Now, if I could just get some motivation to lose my butt. I would say weight but, really everything else isn't so out of sync. Just my ghetto booty!
I have had some scares this past few weeks. I was taken to the emergency room for chest pains. They couldn't rule out a heart attack but, said that it didn't appear that I had any damage or it was really minimal. I know that I don't ever want to experience that again. I was trying to put my toddler in the car when it hit and I just kept thinking "don't let go of him." I was so afraid of him taking off into the street. At the same time, I was so nauseated I was heaving and my chest was clamped down.
I have a stress test later this week. I am hoping it turns out okay. I did make a decision to give up the cigarettes. I really felt in that moment I was cheating my child. I was making decisions that were unhealthy and shortening my life when I made a commitment to be there for him. So, it has been 8 days since my last cigarette.
I am going to make other changes as well. Like taking some "me time." Help to alleviate some of the stresses in my life.
My back continues to be an issue. I hurt it lifting the little one out of his carseat. Looks like another epi injection this time but, surgery is in my future. I am just trying to hold it off for another year. My sister is having hers next month and I am suppose to take care of her while she heals.
I know it seems like a lot of crap but, really my life is pretty good. I am doing great in my college courses. I have really awesome kids and my youngest makes me laugh and smile everyday. I don't have to worry about income because my hubby is awesome! My father and his wife are always there for me and I have a great sister that I get to share time with. I really am blessed even in my soap opera lifestyle.

So, the twins went up for adoption. That was a great blessing because the drama is done! I don't have to deal with all the BS that came with them. If I could of just had the girls I would have kept them but, so many other people came with them. They are in a better home. In the end, I think it was right choice. Just difficult even if they weren't my grandbabies. I would like to save the world.
I have a grandson now. He is perfect. I don't like the relationship my daughter is in. Everything is still too unstable. I have done all I can to help but, nothing seems to ever really get resolved.
My Aunt went into the hospital with pneumonia. That was scary. She turned 75 in there and had a heart cath done. She has bee a mother to me for the past 28 years. It was hard to see her so sick. Luckily, she is on the mend.
I finished my first block of classes with a 4.0! I am very happy about it. I like showing my kids it can be done. Now, both my girls are attending college too! I guess it wasn't just a good decision for me.
My boys are on a lazy streak and one of them keeps stealing from me. I know which one but, he always denies it. I hope that one day he will be a man and admit to his mistakes. He will realize that you should work for things in life. I can hope this message gets through. I keep trying to teach it and so far it hasn't stuck.
My little one is a busy little boy. He ignores all of his toys for sticks, rocks, and the iPad. Not sure why I keep buying the toys. They sit in his room collecting dust. He is a beautiful child. Sensitive and funny. I love who he is today. I just want to keep him little forever. I love to just hear that little giggle for absolutely no reason. The things that tickle his funny bone reminds me that the world is a great place.
Of course, we have are Eww moments. The other day he picked up a bug and before I could grab it or finish "Yucky! Don't eat the bug!" it was in his mouth. He then looked at me and said "Mmm."
Yesterday he delivered a dead mouse to me! I tried so hard not to freak but, apparently I failed. He decided it would be funny to throw it at me. I hate mice! I screamed and he giggled. Then he took a bath which he loves. This morning he went on a mouse hunt thinking he could get another bath out of the deal. Gotta love that kid.
Life is pretty good. Most of the stress has calmed. It is nice to just be able to be mom again and not deal with other people's problems.

Overwhelmed

This past six months have just been so overwhelming. Too many things happening all at the same time. The twins arrived and my DNA test says that they don't belong to my sons. Of course, the other family wants to do their own DNA test which is fine. I am just glad that my boys aren't father's yet.
I started back to school two weeks ago. I have surprised myself so far. With a two year old at home I have managed to get A's on everything I have done so far. Yay Me!
The stress of the past six months had me ready to curl into a ball and now that things have calmed down a bit I feel like I can breath again. I am so ready to just enjoy myself for a little while.
Which means VACATION! Nothing big just a little trip to Branson. I want to zipline. I have wanted to do that for a long time and I figure this would be a great place to start. Very excited.
I talked to a friend tonight. I hate to hear her hurting. I hate that she has had to struggle so much in the past couple of years. Her husband passed unexpectedly one night and it knocked her bearings loose. I don't think she knew what to do. She was sunken in sorrow. I see life in her now. She isn't just walking around waiting for the world to suck her up anymore. She seems like she really wants more out of life again. She still has her moments though and I wish I could just grab her up and show her that she is such an amazing person. Show her happiness is there for her. I wish there was a way to heal a broken heart.
I still just want to curl up and cry. I'm not really sad just tired of it all. Tired of people intruding on my life. Tired of them to run me over. Wishing that they would just let me be. I don't go looking for them. I don't ask them to come be a part of anything. I don't create drama for them. I just let them be. Why is it so hard to that for me?
About this time I think I need meds. I start craving the feeling of numbness. A complete emotional shutdown. Wishing I could just turn everything off and sleep.

The sun will come out, I will hear the words "Momma, I love you", and the world will right itself again. It is coming...I just know it.

Why?

Why is it that children never listen? Even if they are adults why can't they see you might have it right this time? Oldest had a job went she moved back to IL. She didn't like the hours and the driving they had to do so, she went on the hunt for a new job. Once she found one I told her to hang on to the other job for awhile just in case things didn't work out. She didn't and lost her new job. Grr!
So, she went on the hunt again and is now working posting ads for some weird company in which I think is most likely a scam but, she doesn't want to hear that. I told her to do it if she wants to but, keep looking for other work. I don't think she is listening to that advice either.
Youngest daughter is still miserable and still living with her boyfriend. I think that is going to backfire on her. She isn't really allowed to make any decisions about their son including his name but, she just sits there and takes that crap. Grr!
For once I would like for them to just take the easy road. Quit making everything so damn difficult. Especially with the important stuff.

Winter blues

All this cold weather has kept me at home with the little one. I like my tiny house but, it feels tiny at this point. We haven't had to many opportunities to get out and play. It has been bitter cold.
I just feel sad and I know it will get better once I am out of the house for a few days. When we had the 60 and 70 degree days breaks, little one and I went to the park and the zoo. I am so eager for spring. So ready for 70 degrees.
I have ordered some crafts for us. Can't wait for them to get here. Even little one is bored of his toys and being in the house.
Friday we are taking off to KC for the weekend. We are going to stay at Coco Key Resort. A little play time will do us alot of good.
BUT the days are moving so slow!

Things change...

I am feeling antsy. I love being able to stay home and take care of my little one. I love him to death. He makes me smile and laugh everyday. Today he woke me up with "Morning Momma" and then pinched my nose. Couldn't help but laugh. There is still a part of me though that misses the outside world. Misses working. Not much appreciation in laundry, dishes, and cooking. It just becomes expected.
We flew youngest daughter in for a week long visit. She was getting mommy-sick. It was a nice time. I have some frustrations with her living situation right now but, it may just be that over-protective mother instinct coupled with the overly-dramatic teenager. Anyway, she is carrying her baby much like I did with the oldest. Teeny tiny little baby bump. Can't wait to meet the little guy.
It seems crazy that by the end of 2011 I could have 4 grandbabies and a two year old. I am still crossing my fingers and hoping that I only have 2 grandbabies this year.
Oldest daughter was in car accident with her boyfriend and their baby girl. Luckily, everyone came out okay but the car was totaled. Now, they have a new car and are probably in over their head. I guess though its great motivation to keep trudging along with work. I hated being 600 miles away that night. I just wanted to get in my car and go. It doesn't really work that way with a toddler in tow. Especially, one who hates being in the car for long trips.
I think I am just bored with the normal hum-drum of life. I need to find something new. Take a class or something.