Okay so I don't really have an empty nest but I am the only female remaining in my home unless you count the dog. Both my girls moved back to IL. Even though I am going to miss them I think it was the right thing for them. And for me. Little one was already having some trouble watching them leave yesterday and I think it would only get harder for him. Plus he now has his room back. A place to play without being in everyone's way all the time. Poor kid.
Youngest daughter is pissed off with me because she doesn't think I care enough about her. It all started with a facebook post about the oldest leaving and the little one being sad. When she left I was still in a hospital bed doped up on morphine. Not sure what she expected. Anyway she is trying to pull the "You are a bad Mom" card on me. I'm not having it and its pissing her off.
I see there being distance between us and many years passing before she realizes how much I do love her.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Perpetual Victim
I feel like a perpetual victim sometimes. I allow myself to be. I think I just lived in that for so long it comes natural sometimes and I have to remind myself to fight against it.
Its just like when you lived in chaos and suddenly things go calm. You almost don't know how to act. You start looking for ways to create chaos because that's what you are most comfortable with. Same thing.
Onto another topic. I want sex. I want a woman. Not sure why but that seems to be what my body is craving. Its been a long time. A long time since sex and a long time since I have been with a woman. Memories and the images in my head will just have to do.
I don't really feel sexy or sexual right now. It seems like I have to force it. Which doesn't really help.
Thinking of seeing a therapist. I am pissed off all the time. Pissed off with the X because it seems like everything is always someone's elses fault. He is caught up in their bullshit and it just seems to suck him in. He has hurt his son and I think he is clueless about it. Psycho bitch and her knocked-up demon child accused him of impregnanting her and the X stood by and did nothing. Damage was done. He probably should have mentioned that his son is gay! He doesn't really classify himself as that but the only relationship he has ever had was with a boy and he's not a virgin because of that relationship. So...um he probably didn't sleep with this chick.
Or he could of asked him straight up like I did and got the answer..."NO FUCKING WAY!"
Teenagers and broken homes suck. Not sure if I would have stayed with their father that things would have been any different for them. I would have been miserable. I was already there.
I hate that I can't just fix things. I like to fix things.
Its just like when you lived in chaos and suddenly things go calm. You almost don't know how to act. You start looking for ways to create chaos because that's what you are most comfortable with. Same thing.
Onto another topic. I want sex. I want a woman. Not sure why but that seems to be what my body is craving. Its been a long time. A long time since sex and a long time since I have been with a woman. Memories and the images in my head will just have to do.
I don't really feel sexy or sexual right now. It seems like I have to force it. Which doesn't really help.
Thinking of seeing a therapist. I am pissed off all the time. Pissed off with the X because it seems like everything is always someone's elses fault. He is caught up in their bullshit and it just seems to suck him in. He has hurt his son and I think he is clueless about it. Psycho bitch and her knocked-up demon child accused him of impregnanting her and the X stood by and did nothing. Damage was done. He probably should have mentioned that his son is gay! He doesn't really classify himself as that but the only relationship he has ever had was with a boy and he's not a virgin because of that relationship. So...um he probably didn't sleep with this chick.
Or he could of asked him straight up like I did and got the answer..."NO FUCKING WAY!"
Teenagers and broken homes suck. Not sure if I would have stayed with their father that things would have been any different for them. I would have been miserable. I was already there.
I hate that I can't just fix things. I like to fix things.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Vent...Vent...Vent
I am really frustrated these days. Too much going on in my life that i have absolutely no control over and the stuff I do just seems easier to ignore. I watched crazy, sexy cancer the other day and that brought some stuff up for me. Like the promises I made to myself when I was going through chemo that I have failed to keep. Excuses I keep making so I don't have to change. It seems that gratefulness can wear off. I don't know what it will take for me to keep those promises. I have been given what I asked for and yet I take it for granted. Pretty stupid huh?
Youngest daughter has moved back to Illinois to be with the father of her baby. I hate it. I don't think it is a good situation but, I have to let her learn that. I just hope the lesson comes before the baby. It would be nice if all their issues went away but, we all know that just doesn't happen.
My middle son may be a father in April to TWINS! Of course, now the girl claims that my other son could be the father as well. Since they never slept together I don't see how but, hey why not add a bit more drama to the mix.
I wonder if this is payback for not following through on my own commitment. Or maybe I should have never came back here. I missed the people, my family and friends. Then the X had to be involved with the psycho bitch from hell and now my kids are dragged into the drama. I will be out thousands of dollars to prove if these babies are my grandkids. Then if they are I am stuck with these women for a fucking lifetime. That alone makes me want to shoot my head off.
I'm angry. Really angry.
I had a hysterectomy. My baby days are done. I don't really want anymore kids but I hate the finality of it. I hate not having the option.
The Dr. said no sex for six weeks. I haven't really wanted to in 2 years. Apparently, I just needed someone to tell me I can't do something because right now...I WANT IT!
Who knows what it will be when the Dr. gives me the go ahead. I just don't feel sexy.
I need a pick me up.
Youngest daughter has moved back to Illinois to be with the father of her baby. I hate it. I don't think it is a good situation but, I have to let her learn that. I just hope the lesson comes before the baby. It would be nice if all their issues went away but, we all know that just doesn't happen.
My middle son may be a father in April to TWINS! Of course, now the girl claims that my other son could be the father as well. Since they never slept together I don't see how but, hey why not add a bit more drama to the mix.
I wonder if this is payback for not following through on my own commitment. Or maybe I should have never came back here. I missed the people, my family and friends. Then the X had to be involved with the psycho bitch from hell and now my kids are dragged into the drama. I will be out thousands of dollars to prove if these babies are my grandkids. Then if they are I am stuck with these women for a fucking lifetime. That alone makes me want to shoot my head off.
I'm angry. Really angry.
I had a hysterectomy. My baby days are done. I don't really want anymore kids but I hate the finality of it. I hate not having the option.
The Dr. said no sex for six weeks. I haven't really wanted to in 2 years. Apparently, I just needed someone to tell me I can't do something because right now...I WANT IT!
Who knows what it will be when the Dr. gives me the go ahead. I just don't feel sexy.
I need a pick me up.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I'm out of here....
I flew to Kansas and looked at the house we are moving into. It is bigger than we expected but, still nothing like the house we have. I didn't expect it to be though. I don't really mind not having a grand house. I love this one but, it is eating me alive at this point. Holding me back from what I really want to do.
We agreed with my Dad to take it and we are having the yard refenced and a door put in to make the back part of the house the master suite (with a fireplace). It really should be a great place to live. It is a house in need of lots of love though. Lots of things for me to do. I like that kind of place. I love to put it back together and make it mine.
The teenagers are more on board now. I think they have just realized that can't stop this move from happening. I am going. This house will be gone. I am ready to do something other make a house payment each month and sit in misery. For a long time I felt all I needed was my kids and husband. After chemo I have had such a strong urge to be surrounded by family and friends. I hope I never have to repeat that again but, if I do, I don't want to do it without them. I don't want to be so isolated.
Gen is 15 weeks pregnant. Baby is due in early Oct. My first grandbaby. I am scared for them. She has all these dreams on how her life should go. So did I and none of them worked out the way I had hoped. I keep thinking maybe she will get what she wants. Then I wonder how wounded will she be if it doesn't happen that way. What if she is a single mom to this baby? What if she doesn't get to go to college? What if she is just stuck in this world? I want so much more for her and her baby then what I had to start.
I was surrounded by some really awesome people and then some that weren't so awesome. Wish I could have taken the awesome ones moved into a college apartment and we all could have went to school. We struggled for basically nothing. Just to prove our independence. When we should have struggled to fulfill our dreams. It irritates me now to look back at those days. I see so much wasted. The mother in me is so mad at those kids for not seeing what their future could be and allowing it to slip away from them.
Grr!
I want better for my kids. I want the to have some foresight that I didn't have. Silly huh? I should just accept that she will make her own way. I can only try to guide her and so far my guiding has sucked.
We agreed with my Dad to take it and we are having the yard refenced and a door put in to make the back part of the house the master suite (with a fireplace). It really should be a great place to live. It is a house in need of lots of love though. Lots of things for me to do. I like that kind of place. I love to put it back together and make it mine.
The teenagers are more on board now. I think they have just realized that can't stop this move from happening. I am going. This house will be gone. I am ready to do something other make a house payment each month and sit in misery. For a long time I felt all I needed was my kids and husband. After chemo I have had such a strong urge to be surrounded by family and friends. I hope I never have to repeat that again but, if I do, I don't want to do it without them. I don't want to be so isolated.
Gen is 15 weeks pregnant. Baby is due in early Oct. My first grandbaby. I am scared for them. She has all these dreams on how her life should go. So did I and none of them worked out the way I had hoped. I keep thinking maybe she will get what she wants. Then I wonder how wounded will she be if it doesn't happen that way. What if she is a single mom to this baby? What if she doesn't get to go to college? What if she is just stuck in this world? I want so much more for her and her baby then what I had to start.
I was surrounded by some really awesome people and then some that weren't so awesome. Wish I could have taken the awesome ones moved into a college apartment and we all could have went to school. We struggled for basically nothing. Just to prove our independence. When we should have struggled to fulfill our dreams. It irritates me now to look back at those days. I see so much wasted. The mother in me is so mad at those kids for not seeing what their future could be and allowing it to slip away from them.
Grr!
I want better for my kids. I want the to have some foresight that I didn't have. Silly huh? I should just accept that she will make her own way. I can only try to guide her and so far my guiding has sucked.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Moving
I am moving my family back home. I haven't told my X yet but, I'm sure he will be happy to have his kids close by or he will be extremely anxious. There will be no reason for him not to step up and be apart of their lives.
It looks like all the kids will be coming with me and so I might get to see my first grandbaby being born. YAY!
The only bad thing is there is no good way to get out for under our current mortgage and we will be downsizing our home. The housing market here has taken a big hit and we have lost approximately 70 grand in our home value from it. Then there would be all the repairs to get it ready and there is a lot because of the kids. Then you add the realtor fees for selling it and it becomes impossible to have selling it a viable option.
The house we are looking at is back in my old neighborhood. Not great quality houses but we will own it in a few years. No mortgage and disposable income! Income to go to the England, Ireland, or a nice cruise around the Caribbean.
In five years I will only have one child that I will be financially supporting so we will be able to do so much more. I'm excited and sad. I love this house, its beautiful. 2300 sq ft, cathedral ceilings, loft, and a full basement. I just hate the location and the people that children call friends.
You know the pot smokers, the dealers, the thieves, the liars that they drag through my front door and tell me that they are good people. Don't worry Mom he's my friend he wouldn't do anything to hurt us.
Not one of them could explain why then we were robbed! Or why this other guy decided to break in and snort cocaine off of one their beds! Or that a group of kids got together and stole stupid shit from around the neighborhood and thought storing it in my garage was a good idea! The list goes on and on but this place is toxic for my family. I know my kids are going to attract that kind of person if its what they are looking for but, I feel like I am trying to raise children on my own without any support and they have worn me down. I am losing my ability to fight this fight alone.
So, its time to go home. The X can help. My family will be around. I will have friends to go out and recharge with.
Goodbye house! Fuck You Oswego!
It looks like all the kids will be coming with me and so I might get to see my first grandbaby being born. YAY!
The only bad thing is there is no good way to get out for under our current mortgage and we will be downsizing our home. The housing market here has taken a big hit and we have lost approximately 70 grand in our home value from it. Then there would be all the repairs to get it ready and there is a lot because of the kids. Then you add the realtor fees for selling it and it becomes impossible to have selling it a viable option.
The house we are looking at is back in my old neighborhood. Not great quality houses but we will own it in a few years. No mortgage and disposable income! Income to go to the England, Ireland, or a nice cruise around the Caribbean.
In five years I will only have one child that I will be financially supporting so we will be able to do so much more. I'm excited and sad. I love this house, its beautiful. 2300 sq ft, cathedral ceilings, loft, and a full basement. I just hate the location and the people that children call friends.
You know the pot smokers, the dealers, the thieves, the liars that they drag through my front door and tell me that they are good people. Don't worry Mom he's my friend he wouldn't do anything to hurt us.
Not one of them could explain why then we were robbed! Or why this other guy decided to break in and snort cocaine off of one their beds! Or that a group of kids got together and stole stupid shit from around the neighborhood and thought storing it in my garage was a good idea! The list goes on and on but this place is toxic for my family. I know my kids are going to attract that kind of person if its what they are looking for but, I feel like I am trying to raise children on my own without any support and they have worn me down. I am losing my ability to fight this fight alone.
So, its time to go home. The X can help. My family will be around. I will have friends to go out and recharge with.
Goodbye house! Fuck You Oswego!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I'm going home...
I am heading back to my home state to visit quickly with family and friends. We will all gather and celebrate little one's first birthday. It's amazing that he is almost 1! I can't believe how much has changed in a year. I also got the big news that this year will bring on a lot of change as well since I will be a grandmother. I honestly can't wait to hold that precious life in my hands. I just hope the kids see this child as a complete miracle and do everything to make his/her life wonderful.
I will field question after question about this new baby on my visit. Isn't she too young? What are they going to do? I hate it when people are judgmental about someone else's life. She will probably do what I did...the best I could.
Then there will be the questions of when are you moving back? You really need to be closer. I will once again try to explain I want to be there but, I can't afford to lose money on my house. I'm not rich and have 5 kids that still need us to support them.
Even with all the judgment I am still excited to see everyone. I'm excited to celebrate the birthday of an amazing little boy.
I will field question after question about this new baby on my visit. Isn't she too young? What are they going to do? I hate it when people are judgmental about someone else's life. She will probably do what I did...the best I could.
Then there will be the questions of when are you moving back? You really need to be closer. I will once again try to explain I want to be there but, I can't afford to lose money on my house. I'm not rich and have 5 kids that still need us to support them.
Even with all the judgment I am still excited to see everyone. I'm excited to celebrate the birthday of an amazing little boy.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
2010
It feels just like 2009! Just a few days later. Thought about making New Year's resolutions but, really what is the point. I'm never good at keeping them. Lose weight would be on the top and well until things are worked out medical wise that is a wasted resolution. Stay off of cigarettes! Plan to and have been. Its a daily struggle but, its been awhile since I had one.
I plan to live for today. My bloodwork can back all funky. Who knows what that means. It could mean the devil has returned and I will be facing more chemo. Or it could mean nothing and this fear is for nothing. I haven't told anyone much. I know I would see the fear in my husbands face and honestly, I can't bare that right now.
I have my own fear of leaving my kids and my little one not even remembering his Mommy. Enough of that. It only makes my heart ache. Time will tell.
I plan to live for today. My bloodwork can back all funky. Who knows what that means. It could mean the devil has returned and I will be facing more chemo. Or it could mean nothing and this fear is for nothing. I haven't told anyone much. I know I would see the fear in my husbands face and honestly, I can't bare that right now.
I have my own fear of leaving my kids and my little one not even remembering his Mommy. Enough of that. It only makes my heart ache. Time will tell.
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