I am not immune...

Have you ever woke up one day and realized that things have changed? Your reality has changed. All the things you thought couldn't happen to you...has. For some reason you thought you were immune. Your relationship was perfect. You had all the things you ever dreamed of having. You are healthy. You are who you want to be. Then you wake up and realize none of these things feel right at the moment. The whole world is shaking beneath you...ready to crumble.
I know that this is all in my head. My life is what I thought it was. I love my husband. He is the same man I have loved for 12 years now. I do have all that I dreamed of and then some. No, my relationship and life aren't perfect but, is that even a realistic goal.
For some reason I am restless. Feeling rebellious. Feeling destructive. Maybe I want that freedom of teenage life I gave up so easily to become a parent. Maybe I just need some time for solitude. I don't know. It can't be mid-life crisis. I'm only 36 and I plan to live to 100 so, that can't hit for another 14 years!
I am longing for things that would destroy the life I have. Things I know aren't healthy for me. I feel destructive to my own well-being and happiness. Which can only mean one thing...DEPRESSION. I haven't really struggled with it for quite some time now. Its kind of a surprise for it to rear its ugly head.
Went to the doctor to get the happy pills. Hoping they will help, they never take it away completely. Just time and me realizing this isn't reality. Its that tape running through my head. The one that repeats "You are worthless, unloved, and a toy."
I am not immune to depression. I am not immune to emotions taking control of my day to day life. Sometimes, I am a mess. Sometimes, I just cry. Sometimes, I want to crawl in a hole and watch the world go by. Sometimes, I feel too tired to fight. Sometimes, I want to wallow in self-pity.
And sometimes, I get sick of feeling this way and just want to get on with life.

I want to smile again. I want the sun to hit my skin and for me to feel alive again. I want sex again. I want to want sex again.
Happy pills please kick in!

You would think...

You would think after a day of cooking, cleaning, laundry, playing with the Little one, bathing him, changing him, feeding him, etc. I would be exhausted. Well, I was! Little one went down in his pack n play (I was tempted to put him in his crib he was sleeping so well) and I laid down on my bed waiting for blissful sleep.
Waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Cat nap and the baby goes off for his 4 am bottle. Put him back down and think "I am so tired. Surely, I will sleep now." A few hours at that point would do me good.

Waiting...

Waiting...

Cat nap and the alarm to my phone goes off. Its 6:15am and time to make sure the kids are up for school. Lay back down. Close my eyes and I am apparently capable of staying awake after staring at the blackness of my eyelids for an hour. 7:30am guess who is up for the day.

I looked in the mirror this morning and for the first time I can remember there was giant bags under my eyes. I know they have been there before but, I probably just didn't notice. Horrible looking! But, at least it described my night quite well. Hubby didn't make any comment about how chipper I seemed. He just saw those bags and gave me a hug.

He slept like a baby. A really loud, snoring baby! At some point I am just going to pass out. Hoping I can synchronize it with the little ones nap.

Wish I could...

Just check out of motherhood for a little while. My oldest son is facing theft charges from this summer. We were served yesterday with the papers. His adjudication hearing is on the 25th. Which we are hoping to move but, I don't really know if that is going to happen. I am suppose to be in Kansas that day. Its extremely frustrating.
He knows what he did was wrong. He admitted everything to the officer who questioned him. He wasn't the only one involved it was a group of them and they were basically doing it for the adrenaline rush. The mere fact that they could. Not very many of them are facing charges. It was a large group of kids and only 3 of them have been charged.
The adjudication hearing is asking for the removal of the oldest boy to state custody. They could win considering he has been in trouble before. I may have to walk out of the courthouse alone. I will crumble into a ball of weeping mess. I can't stand the thought of it.
The other thing is I have to ask for a public defender. I have no money to hire an attorney right now. None. This is when I feel angry and bitter towards the ex for not being able to help out. Right now, he needs financial help but, there is no one except me and hubby to give it. It pisses me off.
Part of me just wants to walk away from the whole thing. Just throw my hands up and say I am done. Hand off the kids to the X and hope for the best. Its not realistic though. Even if I wanted to he couldn't take them. I couldn't really leave them. It would destroy me to know they weren't getting the care I would give them.
I am just tired. Frustrated that they continue to put me in this position. Fighting to keep my family together. Fighting for some normalcy.