Off the pity pot...

Well, its time to get off this pity pot I have been on. Every once in awhile I have to allow myself a bit of time to grieve all that has been lost. Afterwards, I feel a bit silly for it. However, its how my brain works. Really, I don't regret my past. Many crappy things happen to people. I happen to be one of them. I am who I am today because of it and I really do like me. I like where I am in life. I like looking back and seeing that I didn't get lost and become a statistic. I am way more than what I was told I would ever be. That makes me proud! Its pretty cool really. I do wish at times that I didn't have to fight for every thing...big or small. It doesn't feel like anything comes easy. I would like for some things to come easy once in awhile. Anyway, back to life. Time to start enjoying it again.

Howdy!

I haven't really felt like writing much lately. Mostly, I am busy. Being a mother of older children isn't any easier than when you had total control of their lives. In some ways it is much much harder. Sitting back and watching the impulsive decisions that you know are going to turn bad is very difficult. So difficult in fact I had an argument with the youngest daughter. Regret a few things that were said but, then again I think it got my point across. Sometimes, you have to step away from trying to be reasonable and just let your fury go for anyone to really see how frustrated and pissed off you really are. Youngest was hospitalized and took a ride in a ambulance since the last time I wrote. Its funny how in the moment you are relieved to hear a diagnosis. Especially, if it is better than what you were thinking it was. As time goes by though you just get angry that its your kid. Lots of questions go through your head and never an answer to it all. School is going good. I am a good student. Its one thing I have always done really well. I just don't have the fire in me to do much more than school right now. Lots of other issues. I wont lay them all out here. I am just having some old memories come back and haunt me. Lack of sleep is draining the life out of me. Cold weather sets me off. Nightmares start taking over my nights and I feel trapped in this world that no longer exists. However, I can't seem to get away from it. I keep thinking I should go back to counseling and try to work it out but, I don't know how much more talking is going to make it go away. I don't know if I will ever be at peace with my past. Too many scars. I have also been avoiding the Dr. My last appointment they found a spot in my lung. I am suppose to have a CT scan. I am just too afraid of the "C" word. I don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do chemo. The thought makes me want to curl up and cry. I am just so very very tired.

Veto power

Sometimes I wish I could suddenly have the power to fix the stupid things people do. You can obviously see their judgment is poor and the decision they have made is going to lead to heartache and pain. Yet, you just have to sit back and be a part of the audience. My words would fall on deaf ears anyway. I know they have to learn all on their own. Just once though I would like for them to listen or have the power to veto their actions. Life is good really. I am just feeling a bit lonely with hubby working all the time.

Finally...

Things finally seem to be on the right path. The X got a job interview and hired. Which shows a lot to his children. It tells them that he is willing to do what it takes to help himself and that he is worth something. Its pretty easy to get sucked down a hole and not see a way out. I threw him the ladder and the kids were so happy he took it. I hope things start going better for him.
Youngest daughter is broken up with her X. That is a good thing. She smiles again. Unfortunately, she has a lot of work ahead of her to make her little family whole again. I hope it makes her stronger and doesn't break her.
Oldest is doing well. She is enjoying just being able to stay at home and being a mother. That is what she has wanted to do her entire life. Its nice to see that happen for her.
Oldest son has a job interview. His first and he turned 18. It is time for him to get out in the world and work. Hopefully, it will provide him some direction.
Middle son is pretty lazy these days. At least I can say there really is no major issues going on with him.
Youngest son makes me smile and laugh everyday. Life is pretty good right now. I hope it stays this way. I can use a break. It would be a great change of pace.
I have 5 classes until I finish my degree. I am so ready to be done. I am tired of accounting classes. Which could be a bad sign since that is my career choice. Really I just want to sit behind a desk and do payroll. I don't even want a job right now. I just want the choice if I need it.
Hubby is working a lot. Traveling all the time. It gets harder all the time. Little one misses him so much when he leaves. This will be my driving force to return to work. Just to give my husband a choice to stay close to home. We can live on so much less if we needed to. I can't possibly make his income but, I can provide enough to support us with what we need.

Grr...

I am just tired. Tired of feeling like I have to keep everyone together. Tired of feeling like I am the only one fighting for what is right. Tired of the people who really should be fighting are to damn lazy to give a shit.
I just want to slap some motivation into them. How hard is it to go to work? How hard is it to fight for your child? If it was me they wouldn't be able to hold me back. I would never give up, never allow my child to think I quit on them. It just pisses me off that I feel alone with that feeling. No one else seems to be driven and I am having to push them to do anything.
Which really isn't that effective. Then I just feel like I am not only failing them but, their child.
I have to let go of some of this. It is extremely hard to do but, I am powerless over the situation. I can't make them do what they need to and I don't see them doing it until they have no choice.
Really wish people fucking listened!

Drifting along...

Today I feel sad. No real good reason. Just woke up that way. I hate that because it is so hard to shake. It is days like this that I just want to sleep it away. Honestly, I have no real reason to feel so sad but, I just want to curl up and cry.
I think dreams set me off. Remind me of my childhood. Then I spend the day looking at my scars and feeling betrayed once again. Which is stupid because I was betrayed. I was violated. However, now I just keep doing it to myself. Allowing it to control my life.
I don't expect it ever to just go away. It would be nice if it didn't bring me so far down anymore.
Days like today I feel like a leaf. No real control over anything. I am just being blown every direction.

The fucked up part of this is in my mind the only way to fix this feeling is to get fucked. Reclaim my body from a stupid fucking dream.

As the world turns....

I have been very grateful that the drama with the psycho woman is gone. It has been peaceful, at least on that front, since the babies adoption.
My youngest daughter is still struggling in her relationship. And the custody issues still haven't been resolved. That is frustrating since I have done everything to help the two of them. Plus, she has a suspicious mole that needs to be looked at but, the only people who are concerned about it are me and her. I live 11 hours away and she can't drive so, getting her to the doctor is a challenge. I think I a may just send money for a taxi.
I have finally found a place for my little one to spend 4 hours a week while I go have some free time. That has been enjoyable. Shopping for clothes without a child in tow was marvelous!I actually got to try things on instead of pulling them from the rack and praying I guessed right. I actually have clothes that fit my body type.
Now, if I could just get some motivation to lose my butt. I would say weight but, really everything else isn't so out of sync. Just my ghetto booty!
I have had some scares this past few weeks. I was taken to the emergency room for chest pains. They couldn't rule out a heart attack but, said that it didn't appear that I had any damage or it was really minimal. I know that I don't ever want to experience that again. I was trying to put my toddler in the car when it hit and I just kept thinking "don't let go of him." I was so afraid of him taking off into the street. At the same time, I was so nauseated I was heaving and my chest was clamped down.
I have a stress test later this week. I am hoping it turns out okay. I did make a decision to give up the cigarettes. I really felt in that moment I was cheating my child. I was making decisions that were unhealthy and shortening my life when I made a commitment to be there for him. So, it has been 8 days since my last cigarette.
I am going to make other changes as well. Like taking some "me time." Help to alleviate some of the stresses in my life.
My back continues to be an issue. I hurt it lifting the little one out of his carseat. Looks like another epi injection this time but, surgery is in my future. I am just trying to hold it off for another year. My sister is having hers next month and I am suppose to take care of her while she heals.
I know it seems like a lot of crap but, really my life is pretty good. I am doing great in my college courses. I have really awesome kids and my youngest makes me laugh and smile everyday. I don't have to worry about income because my hubby is awesome! My father and his wife are always there for me and I have a great sister that I get to share time with. I really am blessed even in my soap opera lifestyle.