Off the pity pot...

Well, its time to get off this pity pot I have been on. Every once in awhile I have to allow myself a bit of time to grieve all that has been lost. Afterwards, I feel a bit silly for it. However, its how my brain works. Really, I don't regret my past. Many crappy things happen to people. I happen to be one of them. I am who I am today because of it and I really do like me. I like where I am in life. I like looking back and seeing that I didn't get lost and become a statistic. I am way more than what I was told I would ever be. That makes me proud! Its pretty cool really. I do wish at times that I didn't have to fight for every thing...big or small. It doesn't feel like anything comes easy. I would like for some things to come easy once in awhile. Anyway, back to life. Time to start enjoying it again.

Howdy!

I haven't really felt like writing much lately. Mostly, I am busy. Being a mother of older children isn't any easier than when you had total control of their lives. In some ways it is much much harder. Sitting back and watching the impulsive decisions that you know are going to turn bad is very difficult. So difficult in fact I had an argument with the youngest daughter. Regret a few things that were said but, then again I think it got my point across. Sometimes, you have to step away from trying to be reasonable and just let your fury go for anyone to really see how frustrated and pissed off you really are. Youngest was hospitalized and took a ride in a ambulance since the last time I wrote. Its funny how in the moment you are relieved to hear a diagnosis. Especially, if it is better than what you were thinking it was. As time goes by though you just get angry that its your kid. Lots of questions go through your head and never an answer to it all. School is going good. I am a good student. Its one thing I have always done really well. I just don't have the fire in me to do much more than school right now. Lots of other issues. I wont lay them all out here. I am just having some old memories come back and haunt me. Lack of sleep is draining the life out of me. Cold weather sets me off. Nightmares start taking over my nights and I feel trapped in this world that no longer exists. However, I can't seem to get away from it. I keep thinking I should go back to counseling and try to work it out but, I don't know how much more talking is going to make it go away. I don't know if I will ever be at peace with my past. Too many scars. I have also been avoiding the Dr. My last appointment they found a spot in my lung. I am suppose to have a CT scan. I am just too afraid of the "C" word. I don't want to do it all again. I don't want to do chemo. The thought makes me want to curl up and cry. I am just so very very tired.