Have you ever thought what your life would be like if you could change one thing or one moment?
When I was pregnant with the oldest, before me and the X got back together, I could have changed my entire life with one decision.
I could have never told him about her. Or...
I could have stayed with the girl who had my heart. Or...
I could have given the baby up for adoption. Or...
The list really goes on and on. But, I wonder would I have been better off? Would I be a little less stressed out? I love my kids but, it is hard. It just never seems to get any easier. I want a break from all the nagging, bickering, lying, stealing, drugs, etc that they seem to get caught up in.
The girl that stole my heart. Really the woman who stole my heart. I was 17 she was 23. Man, I loved her. She was petite like me. Long Brown hair. Beautiful Blue eyes. A contagious laugh. And all she had to do was brush my hair off my neck and I was on fire.
Every moment with her was electric. And then I made this decision that changed everything. I decided it was wrong of me to deny my child her father. I walked away from her into this pit of people claiming I had slept with all these people. Apparently, I didn't know who the father of my child was.
Its funny how people think they know you and make up lies to fill in the gaps of your life they are missing. I was sleeping with someone but, trust me she didn't get me pregnant. I went from this relationship that was accepting, loving, built on trust to this relationship were there was all this uncertainity. An obligation.
I don't know that things would have turned out different. I have a tendency to burn out on people. I simply get sick of them and want something different. I might have thrown her away as well and our friendship would have died. I need her friendship. I am lacking in those. I don't make friends easily. Don't really like people very much.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Things learned in school...
Alex jipped 2nd and 3rd block today. He was mad because I grounded him to the house today. He started complaining about how he was never going to use anything that he learned there anyway except drivers ed and he can't even take that until next year. School is useless according to him.
I almost popped off and said "I learned to tie a cherry stem with my tongue in high school and I've used that several times since then." Then I would have to explain myself and that wouldn't be good.
I went with the responsible mother talk about how you will use math and english. History is important so, we don't repeat ourselves (which we do all the time anyway).
Then I got to thinking about the other stuff I learned in school. Like how to pick a lock, how much pot you could smoke before it becomes worthless, how much liquor I could consume before I got a hangover,etc. None of those would have been appropriate to share at that moment either.
I wish I could make them all see that education is important. That it is a stepping stone to a better life. They don't see it that way. That haven't had it hard. They are spoiled and use to getting what they want. I could show them the hard road. Send them to live with their father (well, if he had a place to keep them.)
Speaking of, I am pissed off that he doesn't. I am sick of fighting these battles and I can't just send them to him for a bit. I can't even send them down for a few weeks without having to foot the bill. And I mean the expense of getting them there and feeding them when they are there, and bringing them back. I just wish things could have been different and he would get himself together so, he could be more active in their lives. I could use a break once in awhile.
Hell, I could use a 4 year break. I don't think I would even mind paying the child support if I just knew I wouldn't get a phone call telling me they needed more money or they would starve. I am tired of the teenage battles. I am tired of being the mean one. I want to be the cool parent that gets to let them stay up late, eat junk food, take them for holidays. It would be so much easier being there if I could stay out of the daily drama.
Dreams. They are nice to have aren't they.
I almost popped off and said "I learned to tie a cherry stem with my tongue in high school and I've used that several times since then." Then I would have to explain myself and that wouldn't be good.
I went with the responsible mother talk about how you will use math and english. History is important so, we don't repeat ourselves (which we do all the time anyway).
Then I got to thinking about the other stuff I learned in school. Like how to pick a lock, how much pot you could smoke before it becomes worthless, how much liquor I could consume before I got a hangover,etc. None of those would have been appropriate to share at that moment either.
I wish I could make them all see that education is important. That it is a stepping stone to a better life. They don't see it that way. That haven't had it hard. They are spoiled and use to getting what they want. I could show them the hard road. Send them to live with their father (well, if he had a place to keep them.)
Speaking of, I am pissed off that he doesn't. I am sick of fighting these battles and I can't just send them to him for a bit. I can't even send them down for a few weeks without having to foot the bill. And I mean the expense of getting them there and feeding them when they are there, and bringing them back. I just wish things could have been different and he would get himself together so, he could be more active in their lives. I could use a break once in awhile.
Hell, I could use a 4 year break. I don't think I would even mind paying the child support if I just knew I wouldn't get a phone call telling me they needed more money or they would starve. I am tired of the teenage battles. I am tired of being the mean one. I want to be the cool parent that gets to let them stay up late, eat junk food, take them for holidays. It would be so much easier being there if I could stay out of the daily drama.
Dreams. They are nice to have aren't they.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
