I'm out of here....

I flew to Kansas and looked at the house we are moving into. It is bigger than we expected but, still nothing like the house we have. I didn't expect it to be though. I don't really mind not having a grand house. I love this one but, it is eating me alive at this point. Holding me back from what I really want to do.
We agreed with my Dad to take it and we are having the yard refenced and a door put in to make the back part of the house the master suite (with a fireplace). It really should be a great place to live. It is a house in need of lots of love though. Lots of things for me to do. I like that kind of place. I love to put it back together and make it mine.
The teenagers are more on board now. I think they have just realized that can't stop this move from happening. I am going. This house will be gone. I am ready to do something other make a house payment each month and sit in misery. For a long time I felt all I needed was my kids and husband. After chemo I have had such a strong urge to be surrounded by family and friends. I hope I never have to repeat that again but, if I do, I don't want to do it without them. I don't want to be so isolated.
Gen is 15 weeks pregnant. Baby is due in early Oct. My first grandbaby. I am scared for them. She has all these dreams on how her life should go. So did I and none of them worked out the way I had hoped. I keep thinking maybe she will get what she wants. Then I wonder how wounded will she be if it doesn't happen that way. What if she is a single mom to this baby? What if she doesn't get to go to college? What if she is just stuck in this world? I want so much more for her and her baby then what I had to start.
I was surrounded by some really awesome people and then some that weren't so awesome. Wish I could have taken the awesome ones moved into a college apartment and we all could have went to school. We struggled for basically nothing. Just to prove our independence. When we should have struggled to fulfill our dreams. It irritates me now to look back at those days. I see so much wasted. The mother in me is so mad at those kids for not seeing what their future could be and allowing it to slip away from them.
Grr!
I want better for my kids. I want the to have some foresight that I didn't have. Silly huh? I should just accept that she will make her own way. I can only try to guide her and so far my guiding has sucked.

Moving

I am moving my family back home. I haven't told my X yet but, I'm sure he will be happy to have his kids close by or he will be extremely anxious. There will be no reason for him not to step up and be apart of their lives.
It looks like all the kids will be coming with me and so I might get to see my first grandbaby being born. YAY!
The only bad thing is there is no good way to get out for under our current mortgage and we will be downsizing our home. The housing market here has taken a big hit and we have lost approximately 70 grand in our home value from it. Then there would be all the repairs to get it ready and there is a lot because of the kids. Then you add the realtor fees for selling it and it becomes impossible to have selling it a viable option.
The house we are looking at is back in my old neighborhood. Not great quality houses but we will own it in a few years. No mortgage and disposable income! Income to go to the England, Ireland, or a nice cruise around the Caribbean.
In five years I will only have one child that I will be financially supporting so we will be able to do so much more. I'm excited and sad. I love this house, its beautiful. 2300 sq ft, cathedral ceilings, loft, and a full basement. I just hate the location and the people that children call friends.
You know the pot smokers, the dealers, the thieves, the liars that they drag through my front door and tell me that they are good people. Don't worry Mom he's my friend he wouldn't do anything to hurt us.
Not one of them could explain why then we were robbed! Or why this other guy decided to break in and snort cocaine off of one their beds! Or that a group of kids got together and stole stupid shit from around the neighborhood and thought storing it in my garage was a good idea! The list goes on and on but this place is toxic for my family. I know my kids are going to attract that kind of person if its what they are looking for but, I feel like I am trying to raise children on my own without any support and they have worn me down. I am losing my ability to fight this fight alone.
So, its time to go home. The X can help. My family will be around. I will have friends to go out and recharge with.
Goodbye house! Fuck You Oswego!