Tis the season to...

To What? Be joyous? Why is it only this time of year? Why can't I have my family and friends all year? Why can't I just be back in the land of Oz already?

Christmas is over. I had all of my kids + the newest boyfriend. I also had hubby's dad. He had great bonding time with littlest grandson. They all headed back today.
Hubby headed off to work for the week and I am sitting in my house with a sick baby and three teenagers. One who has taken off for the day and two I think have cabin fever but, they are too afraid of the snow to go out. Well...it is cold out!

I want the week back. I want all my family tucked safely in my house. I want to cook for them and hear "Thank You Mom, that was Awesome!" Which actually did happen...Twice! Once with Spaghetti (they love that stuff) the other was baked ziti from scratch. Yum!

My little one is pulling up on everything. Looking around at all the things that are now at his eye level. Wondering which one to touch first. He such a curious child and pays close attention to the little details of things. Today he picked hair out of my hair brush one at a time. What a strange thing to be fascinated with but he was.

I expect him to be walking soon. Sad in a way. This year has flown by. He is going to be considered a toddler soon and I want it to just slow down a bit. I love the child that is growing, learning new things, showing his independence but, I don't want my baby to grow up too fast. I want to hold him for as long as I can. I am sad that he is my last one. I also have no real desire to bare another child. 5 weeks of bedrest and 29 hours of labor is enough for me. Besides I want to just focus on him.

I haven't had a cigarette in several weeks. I think I might be getting over that hump. No real desire to start again. Except when the wind carries it in from the teenagers jackets. That gets me. I wish they could see me struggle and realize that is going to be them someday. They can't see past today though. And they will be NOTHING like me.

There is a lot of things going on. Too many to write down. This would be novel if I kept going. Most of its good though. I am coming out of my funk. Realizing I can't change how people see me, can't make them want to know me, can't change the past. I just have to accept how things are today. Its been hard. Its also been good. I am happier. Maybe I should say more content.